How The Grinchstein Stole Chanukah

Every Jew down in Jewville liked Chanukah a lot
But the Grinchstein who lived up just northward did not
Yes, Grinchstein he hated the whole Christmas season
Please don’t ask why, no one knows quite the reason

For hating eight days and also eight nights
Maybe his yamaka fit him too tight
But here was the Grinchstein majorly bumming
Because he knew soon, Chanukah was a-coming

“For 53 years I’ve endured this and now
Chanukah must be stopped, just a question of how!”
Then quicker than you can say “oh diarrhea!”
The Grinch got a wonderful awful idea

“With this tallit, and with this tzit tzit
The Jews down in Jewville won’t know me a bit
I’ll wear this fake beard this hat and this shawl
And then they will think I am old Uncle Sol

And to be consistent to this monologue
I also will take my long suffering dog”
And then he took off from the spot where he stood
And went off stop Chanukah once for good!

He descended on Jewville in houses did creep
Where all of the Jews were in bed fast asleep
The toys he threw in his bag in one fell swoop
Along with the kugel and matzah ball soup

And just as you might shout out ‘Oh kina hora”
He blew out the lights lit up on the menorah
And soon he would take off into the night sky
When he heard a small voice say “Uncle Sol, why?”

He spun ’round so quick that it threw him off center
There stood Cindy Goldstein of course, the town yenta
But he said “It’s me Sol, how dare that you doubt
My motives, you see the menorah burned out

And really I just need to heat up this brisket
Back at my cave while I go and fix it
Now go back to bed dear and worry no more”
And then that old louse, why he ran out of the door

And then home to sleep and so restful he lay
Assured that no Chanukah come the next day
But to the dismay of his cold little heart
The very next morning he awoke with a start

And to his old dog he said “What is the deal, uh
I hear the Jews out there sing Hava Nagila!”
And so out the window he sat and he stared
At happy Jews lifting each other on chairs

And wondered at his little plan’s epic fail
(Or maybe just Loehmann’s was having a sale?)
But he knew Chanukah didn’t come from a store
Because Chanukah meant a little bit more

And The Grinch’s heart it grew 3 sizes that day
He told his old mother and she said “Oy Vey
I think maybe you ought to go see a doctor”
Who advised that he cut back on fried latkes

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The Gift That Keeps On Giving

I could never figure out
Just why Aunt Alice thought
I’d want a nose hair trimmer or
Exactly why she bought

Me red and green argyle socks
Composite baseball bats
A ‘love my kitty’ stocking though
I do not have a cat

A country western DVD
A dubious fruitcake
That boasted a 2013
Expiration date

But when she gave me this dumb scarf
The answer became clear
I recognized it as the one
I gave to her last year

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Dream Gig

“Santa’s a zombie
His suit is blood red
Ms. Clause is a gorgon
The elves are undead
The reindeers are werewolves
It’s truly insane
You best leave him cookies
Of chocolate chip brains
And dedicate all
Of your personal effects
Because, oh what fun
It looks like your next!”

And look at him there
All jolly and fat
Best to bring up
The next little brat

“Ms. Clause sleeps around
And Santa’s on drugs
The elves all sniff glue
The reindeers are thugs
But all should be fine
As long as you see
Your partridge’s securely
Tied to your pear tree
Those five golden rings
Are a slight concern
And those milking maids…
Of fun, it’s your turn”

And heinous those jingle bells
Just keep on jingling
Here comes another
He’s already sniveling

“Oh my dear boy
Tears fall from your eyes
Would you like to tell
This dear old elf why?
Not good this year?
Blackness in your soul?
Well you’ll get off easy
With one lump of coal
Cause now Santa’s eating
All of the bad kids
Look it’s your turn
His teeth sure look big”

The joys of the season
Are mine to behold
This elf at the mall thing
Just never gets old

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