To Find Ms. Kind

It started out a day just like any other day
Blue skies, pleasant temperatures, typical L.A.
But this Friday was special as I was psyched to be
Meeting soon at Starbucks, a group of bloggers 3.

For a wholesome day of fun, coffee, gossip, laughter
With Erika Kind, Corinneonline, Carolina at Yesterday After
All the women were so sweet starting off you see
But I don’t remember much after sipping my coffee…

And the next thing you know, well, the scene was quite outrageous
My head was pounding as I woke in a hotel in Vegas
Corinne was sprawled out on the couch and starting to come round
Carolina on the floor, Ms. Kind was nowhere found

Strange clothing strewn across the floor, emptied bottles of booze
A gap where I once had a tooth, Corinne had new tattoos
And in the other rooms we found a tiger and a baby
Plus little Wayne, Wayne Newton and of course, Wayne Brady

But as for Erika,we’d no idea what we should do
‘Til looking out the window, we came cross our fist clue
For what did we see flying high as we were sitting there
Hanging from a monument, Erika’s underwear

And then we all did realize it was our mission then to find
Erika in time to get her back to Lichtenstein
And we would do all that we thought we could do in our power
To get her on that flight which was to leave in just 10 hours

Our mission was before us, and it was do or die
We pondered perhaps she was kidnapped by some Asian guy
But despite our best efforts there was no way to retrieve her
So we asked Mike Tyson but he hadn’t seen her either

Time was getting closer and still we had no luck
We’d have to call her family and say disaster struck
And just as we were bout to put the phone up to our ears
We heard Erika’s voice she said “Hello ladies I’m here”

We looked in disbelief sure her image holographic
But she said “It’s really me, I just got caught in L.A. traffic!”
And we said “Oh gosh you drove here? well you really are insane
At 6PM on Friday you should have just got on a plane!”

And so it seemed that Erika would safely make it home
And the rest revealed itself inside Corinne’s iPhone
With pictures so embarrassing we all squirmed in our seat
And with no time to spare we all just quickly hit delete

And no one will find out what went on, that we all did swear
Or what the heck was up with Erika’s flying underwear
And the only picture that we all agreed to show
Is the one that I am posting right here down below

Just four normal bloggers who you see are looking awfully
Happy when they thought that they should all meet one day for coffee

Blogger Girls

Ode To Frank

Oh Frank you were a horrid soul
Behind the blinds you hid
Your winter years you did devote
To frightening our kids

Lumb’ring round the apartment like
Some great barbaric ape
The wide girth of your belly peeking
Through bathrobe agape

The lawn was public prop’ty yet
You warned them not to play
So menacing your words and looks
Our own dreadful cliche

You claimed it did disturb your work
Although I am quite sure
You must have been retired now
100 years or more

And sometimes with a camera there
I saw you taking pics
Innocent young limbs all stolen
By your subtle clicks

So who knows what was really studied
When on the computer
Your thinking as kids ran for fear
From your motorized scooter

But theories and assumptions quickly
Replaced by amazement
When yesterday I saw your place is
Now blissfully vacant

Imagine how the children sang
So long they’d been denied
They cheered and danced as if the wicked
Witch herself had died

They excavated worms, cartwheeled
Rejoiced like it was Christmas
As I thought of your face if you
Were only there to witness

This little plot of land you did
Unwillingly bequeath
And what a fitting fate to find you
6 feet underneath.

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What I’m Thankful For ( A Narcissist’s List)

I’m thankful smoking marijuana’s
Not against the law
I’m thankful for thong underwear
And for my push up bra

I’m thankful for the Macy’s sale
And my new mini dress
And thankful Gotham isn’t on
During NCIS

I’m thankful for mascara and
For automatic doors
I’m thankful when there’s pizza rolls
At the 99 cent store

I’m thankful for my microwave it
Truly is a blessing
And that instead of phone calls there
Are now emails and texting

For deodorant and hair dye
And for goodness sake
I’m thankful for chocolate ice cream, cookies
Candy bars and cake

And sorry I can’t hear you
What’s that you’re asking me?
What of friends and peace and love?
What of family?

Oh of course, why silly me
For my one sided view
I’m sure that they are quite thankful
For all of these things too

This is the response to a challenge from Erika Kind, to answer the question of what I’m thankful for. I waited a while on this one while I was doing my October horror series. Thought it would do better closer to Thanksgiving anyway.

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The Bad Cooks Club

“Welcome to the Bad Cooks Club
And first I’d like to say
How brave it is that all of you
Have chose to come today

Marissa it seems that you are
The first up in book
“Hello I am Marissa and
I am a real bad cook

It’s really not my fault you see
I’m just that way inclined
Genetic trait inherited
From that mother of mine

I had no one to teach me and
It seemed I never learned
That’s why even my heat and go
Apple pie was burned”

Next up Shirley, nods her head
She feels the same way too
And notes how even microwaves
Won’t cook all the way through

“You pray that friends and family
Will not find you too rude
You hope they leave by mealtimes lest
You have to offer food”

And then the moderator offers
“Next up is Diane”
She wrings her hands her eyes well up
“They just don’t understand

They give me simple recipes
They say they’ll cook with ease
Do they not understand I even
Ruin mac n’ cheese?

By friends and husband, family
I have been scorned and jilted
I tried to toss a salad and
The lettuce even wilted”

And then the moderator says
“Okay that is enough
I know this is a stigma but
We really must be tough

I know there’s not much we can do
To aid our situation
But I’m asking you to join
Our daily affirmation”

And so we all just bow our heads
Chant as our hands do link
“I am not a bad person even
though my cooking stinks.”

Our mantra goes on quite some time
And then reaches it’s end
Feeling hopeful, feeling we’re
Miraculously cleansed

And after all that bonding we get
Right back on our feet
Poised by the door we are to make
A most hasty retreat

For though bad cooks we all may be
Means not that we deserve
The punishment of sticking round
For coffee and hors d’oeuvres.

With a shout out to Rara for the inspiration and for being part of the club.

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