Awol At The Mall

Map and compass, water bottle,
Check check check and check
Bandages, tinder and whistle
Hanging from my neck

But despite the preparedness
Of my survival pack
I struggle to identify
Whether this discount rack

Is the same one that I’ve seen
Some three hours before
Or if I’ll find the exit out
From the department store

I know I’m not to panic but
This sure is getting dreadful
I no longer see the trail I left
From my Wetzel’s Pretzel

The salesgirl has directed me
But somehow I’m condemned
To end up turning up in the
Perfume section again

Where some women keeps spraying me
with the Drakkar Noir
I look a confused housewife but
I smell like a French whore

And so my circling continues
It’s really quite upsetting
I think of maybe starting a
Rescue fire in bedding

My water ration’s running low
A most rueful subsistence
When bright lights of Target I see
Shining in the distance

Intent am I to get to where
The far off lights are glowing
I focus in on them and look
Not quite where I am going

I topple a Christmas display
A very stressed salesman
And what seems to be the whole of the
Kardashian clan

And finally I reach the mall
Like a woman obsessed
And just miss a collision with
Santa’s Fun Time Express

Shoppers give me funny looks
But I don’t give a damn
I only hope my family
Remembers who I am

And on a mission that perhaps
Sweet freedom will be mine
I make a beeline out of there
At the first exit sign

And as I breath in the fresh air
I kneel to kiss the ground
Only to find a much greater
Dilemma to be found

For as the night time air gets cold
And the sun fades to dark
There’s no way in hell that I’ll
Remember where I parked


77 thoughts on “Awol At The Mall

  1. What better way to complete the holiday shopping experience than to forget where the car is parked? Unfortunately, that still happens to me. 😦

  2. In big multi-storey CPs I use my phone to photograph the nearest sign so I have some sort of return target to aim at. The idea of going into a mall at sale time fills me with horror. Isn’t that what Amazon is there to avoid. What does a French whore smell like?

    • Yes, there is technology that makes avoiding a mall possible, thank goodness. As for your question, I think if you lock yourself in a room and spray any fragrance that you can buy for less than $20, you have your answer.

  3. I have lost my car on a couple of occasions and it’s not funny. Did you ever notice how many cars look exactly like yours when you don’t know where your car is parked?

    Great poem. Those of us who get anxiety attacks in crowds can totally relate to this!

  4. I look a confused housewife but
    I smell like a French whore
    From that momen on I couldn’t stop laughing until the end. And again the ending tops it all! This is fantastic. I never experienced something like that (thank God) but I can absolutely imagine myself in such a horror scenario! Although I never forgot where I parked the car…… right because of the risk to never find it again… lol

    • You are very fortunate to have never lost your car. After this happening to me countless times, I try to be careful but it seems there are just those times I forget to take note. I’ll never learn!! Glad you enjoyed Erika!

      • Oh, I picture you packed with bags and packages straying all over the parking lot. The good news is, when you wait long enough there is only one car left… πŸ˜‰

  5. You’ve described the manic every so eloquently. The memory of- parked car- is a circumstance I am all to familiar with, unfortunately.

  6. Of all those cars in the parking lot, none of them look like they’re mine. Who would steal my car? I wouldn’t even steal my car. Just who stole my car. Oh, it’s right there where I parked it.

  7. Oh my goodness, Marissa! πŸ˜€ This describes several people I know and am related to! I like to park almost in yhe same aisle every time by a certain store. I like that there are family, male and female bathrooms. So, 3 choices. If I have to go, watch out! πŸ™‚

      • I go to a much less popular store and go within one row towards the end. My girlfriend Jenny and I tried a different row and literally took a half hour going in circles before heading home, luckily we had our huge Aunt Annie’s cinnamon pretzel to sustain us. Ha ha!

    • Ha, it’s supposed to read that the whistle was hanging from my neck and just that I had the other things. I saw how that could be misinterpreted but just went with it. Hey, rhyming’s not easy!

  8. Oh yes! This made me belly laugh right out loud!
    So, I never shop unless it’s online, but I totally know about losing a parking spot or two. In fact, I park in the same spot at the airport for every time I have a business trip. Terminal 2, Tower 2, Level 2 (I’m sure you see the theme). There have been times that I got off the airplane and couldn’t remember which trip I had just been on. I hate to think what would happen if I ever went to the Mall.

  9. You’ve captured the nughtmare well! Did you have a post between this and the one about the elvs, milkmaids etc? Maybe it’s just me missing what’s in the reader cause there seems to be an increase in ourput of some other blogs lately.

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