The Audition

I told them we were gonna be
The biggest thing alive
And that they’d have to be between
18 and 25

We’re set to take the world by storm
When we go out on tour
With music sounding nothing like
Whatever came before

Must have gear and attitude
Prepared to sell your soul
For the gods of sex and drugs
And of course rock n’ roll

Looking for a six string slinger
With a pretty face
A monster drummer, heavy thumper
Down to play the bass

Must have chops, cool amps and wear
some awesome leather clothes
And remember I’m the boss
Whatever I say goes

I can’t afford to pay you but
We’re sure to achieve greatness
And you will not be sorry when
We all are rich and famous

So come on down tomorrow, make it
Between 8 and 10
Be impressive and for sure
I’ll see you losers then!

And so I waited there at 8
And I was pretty sure
That there would be line of people
Snaking out the door

All who worshipped gods of rock
And goth and heavy metal
But instead just a tumbleweed
I sat to watch dust settle

And hoped someone would come in soon
That had the moves like Jagger
Instead I got a man who dragged
With him a balailaka

Clearly he would have had to be
Bout 90 if a day
And soused he offered me a swig
Off his opened Claret

An older bloke behind him came
As our triangle player
I told him he could have the job
If he knew any Slayer

A man mutt’ring obscenties
Said he would play the trumpet
A chick brought in some bongos looking
Every bit a strumpet

Fore I knew it, at the door
Another ancient fellow
Who said he heard we needed someone
Who could play the cello

And to round our line up out
There was a rather cute
Girl dressed up like a geisha who
Said she’d play the flute

And of course in order to
Enhance the balailaka
We got some chick named Gill who said
She played some mean maracas

And though this isn’t quite the band
On which I had been set
I just figured “oh what the hell
I’lll take what I can get”

There aren’t many groupies and
We rarely will get paid
But we really don’t sound bad if they
Turn up their hearing aids

We play funerals and bingo games
Nursing homes and more
So catch us at a gig on our
Lock Up Your Grandma’s Tour

But just in between you and I
I’ve a sneaking suspicion
My band mates erred that day and they
Came for the wrong audition

They made a right ‘stead of a left
But don’t you dare to tell them
That this is not in fact the back up
Band for Willie Nelson.

Over the weekend, my friend and fellow blogger Inchcock made this graphic for his blog Marissa’s New Band, which in turn inspired this poem. Pictured are fellow bloggers Shirley Blamey on lingerie and congas, Rachel Carrera on geisha dress and flute, Danny Soz on trumpet, Mike Steeden on balailaka, Duncan on cello, Inchcock on triangle and Gill on maracas.

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96 thoughts on “The Audition

  1. Yay, Marissa!!! You made it! You are having your own band, how cool is that? I have no idea how this all may sound but for sure you guys are a sight to see… lol! Post the gig dates!!! I sign up as your groupie!!! πŸ‘

  2. I’d rather like the band to play between 2pm and 4pm as I rather like an early snooze after my evening hot chocolate…the prospect of a groupie or two would be good but advance notice is required thus ensuring I have time for purchasing the Viagra…and, oh yes…the venues must be warm and cosy as I only have the two thermal vests…I do hope we make some gramophone records together so that I can play them back on my 78rpm record player with its 6 inch nail stylus…also never let me start to play without my ear trumpet…I’ll never get the beat otherwise…I think that’s all…oh who will feed the gerbil while I’m out and about…crumbs this is a bigger issue than I thought!

  3. Woo Hoo!! Your own band! Way to go, Marissa! Oh I can’t wait to hear you guys play. Where do I get the autographs? And where do I even hear the band play? Come on, do tell. Don’t leave me is suspense. Please!!! LOL ❀

  4. You all look awesome and thank goodness you “stole” them from Willie. He’s probably “chilling” and smoking weed, doesn’t mind a bit of losing Rachel, Mike, Gill, Shirley, Danny, Duncan and YOU!! πŸ™‚ Great portrayal done by your friend Inchcock. πŸ™‚

  5. That was so sweet of you to pose like that for your “band pic”! Hahaha. I’d like to come see y’all play but it will have to be between my 3 p.m. Dinner and my 7 p.m. bedtime. From the looks of it, that shouldn’t be a problem. πŸ˜‹

  6. After reading this.. I figured out your problem. Your auditions were between 8 and 10 in the morning. No self respecting rocker is awake at that time (unless they pulled an all-nighter and they just happened not to realize the new day had dawned). If you would have done this in the P.M. you might have fared better (although, not as eccentric). Lock up your grandmother tour.. priceless.

  7. This was Sheer (as sheer as your stockings in photo!) GENIUS! How you rhyme certain words is beyond me. But adding the hilarity factor and the trick ending is just such a bonus. “Publish, publish, publish!” My new mantra chant when it comes to your work.

    • Thank you Stephanie! The rhyming is all part of an ancient family secret…which is to say my father is Dr. Seuss. (No, not really, but if he was, I probably would be published, published, published!!).

  8. Hahaha, I absolutely loved reading this. Especially the following part made my day:
    “So catch us at a gig on our
    Lock Up Your Grandma’s Tour” – The image in my head is hilarious!
    Very amusing Marissa, as always! πŸ™‚

  9. I’m not sure why but I thought I was a subscriber and now I find I’m not. Rectifying this straightaway Marissa! I enjoyed reading all the responses … as entertaining as your poem. When … ahem… the band is famous (notice I said ‘when’ and not ‘if’) i.e. if it isn’t already, I’ll join a few of the others and get front row tickets. Pays to know the band leader! πŸ™‚

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