If I Had One Wish…

As I was walking down the street
An object shining bright
Did beckon me to come to it
With it’s ungodly light

At first I thought it a demonic
Tool to suck my soul
But upon close inspection saw it
A remote control

And the selector at the top
I might have thought illegal
DVR or DVD,
TV, cable or ‘people’

And with close observation twas
No doubt what I would choose
And now the one thing for it was
To put it to good use

At first I thought I’d play a bit
To see it serve it’s cause
For my boss there was the off switch my
Pesky neighbor on pause

The hunk there at the corner bar
Who’s kind of dumb but cute
Was just so much more interesting
When I put him on mute

But I bored of the obvious
And curious I grew
To play with random buttons wondering
What would each one do

And so I hit F1, G5
Zoom, the number nine
The yellow button on the left
The one with squiggly lines

And now my sister’s looking green
My mom is in HD
My husband is a reddish blue
And kind of looks 3D

My best friend’s in a Judas Priest
Special on VH1
My dog is in an endless loop
Of old Seinfeld reruns

And don’t look now my daughters hanging
With Hannah Montana
My kid’s teachers an honorary
Housewife of Atlanta

And so it seemed that at this point
That I knew in my gut
That I really should do something but
The big question was ‘what?’

I started shaking the remote
A desperate last resort
A genie popped out and he said
“You have reached tech support”

I looked in wonder at the man
And then back at the vessel
I said “This takes outsourcing
To a whole other level”

But with no time to wonder how
The strange creature was spawn
I thought it best just to explain
The weirdness going on

He gave me a sagacious nod
And said all would be fine
He’d fix my woes for the low price
Of 14.99

So with a smile and a nod
He brought to normalcy
The channels and the many shows
We watch on the TV

My mother is so not HD
I almost have to squint
My sister and my husband lost
That most unnatural tint

And so the genie did go back
To that exotic land
That seems to live in my remote
Guess it’s called Pakistan.

I couldn’t quite abandon the idea of writing about remote controls, especially since the wonderful Mike Steeden reminded me of how terrificย it could be if I had one that worked on people.

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64 thoughts on “If I Had One Wish…

  1. This is so great, Marissa. Taking a seed from something someone said and growing it into a whole new thing. That’s better than magic!

  2. Very clever young Marissa…mind it doesn’t bare thinking about with what I would do with one of these remotes…anything and everything from the juvenile to the X-rated. By the way this poem reminded me of my now deceased mother-in-law from the West Country who could not or would not refer to a DVD player as anything other than a VDV!

    • I thought I might have juvenile and X rated covered, but perhaps you could top me?? or do so more graphically…but then this site is rated PG13, right? No? And your mother in law then reminds me of my aunt who liked to say ‘that warms the cockles of my stomach.’

      • Just think Marissa…all those people one comes across in life and find them to be unpleasant…oh what fun…politicians also…the list is endless. The other embarrassing thing about the mother-in-law was that she never did take in the fact the word ‘queer’ no longer/rarely these days was used as per its original definition i.e. ‘strange’…albeit not homophobic it never occurred to her/she didn’t know it had become offensive slang. And thus it was many an embarrassing time was had in the company of others! For example I recall a particularly helpful pleasant lad, a gay waiter telling us what a headache he had and Shirl’s mum saying, ‘I thought you looked queer’…lead balloon time!

      • Oh she was! Once heard her talking with a friend about illnesses…her friends old, old mum had just snuffed it and as her friend catalogued each medical problem that were precursors of her demise Olive (that was Shirl’s mum’s name) kept on saying, ‘I’ve had that…I’ve had that as well etc.’ On hearing that ‘My mum died last night’ Olive’s riposte (not to be outdone) was ‘I’m almost dead’! 100% true tale! Could be a poem for you in that one I reckon.

      • Yes, ‘Bragging Rights of the Dead And Almost Dead’ or ‘Bragging Rights of Those With One Foot In The Grave’. Well, the thing is, once you’re dead there’s no coming back and saying’ you see what you did?? I’m dead now, are you happy?’ I guess might as well do it while you’re alive then.

  3. “You have reached tech support” …. hahahahahaha! …. if only it was that easy!!!

    I will give the remote more respect now for I’m sure it would be very humbling to be on the receiving end of one ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. So wonderful! If only we had the power…maybe not! I loved this part and slotted in my own wishes. For my ex there was the off switch…Daughter’s cats on mute. Ha ha!

  5. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing! And I’m in the train! People might think I’m loony or something.
    Loved the part with the hunk being cute but let’s put him on mute! Oh this post is hilarious! Genius, I say!

  6. Keep going writing about remote controls…. but please, Marissa, pleeeeease….. the next time put a warning on the top to first go to the bathroom before reading….. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  7. This is superbly done. Glad Mike S. inspired you, Marissa! Awesome use of color tonts, HD and your poor dog stuck in Seinfeld over and over again loop. He may have wished to live with the Olsen “twin of the day” on my kids old favorite, “Full House.” As cute John Stamos as character “Jesse may have said: “Have Mercy!” ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. I absolutely enjoyed reading this. You have expressed this brilliantly with a witty sense of humour. It reminded me of the movie “click” starred by Adam Sandler.

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