The Schizzle of the Coffee Table

Like a magician’s magic wand
Though not of spells but cable
So fo’ schizzle I’m the hizzle
Of the coffee table

The books have been demoted to
Coasters for coffee cups
The flowers are all wilted and
The vase collecting dust

The toys and clocks now dormant lay
As one can not foresee
Just when someone will come around
To change their batteries

And socks and change in couch cushions
Just get lost in the fray
Allotted to the dreadful fate
Of turning up ‘someday’.

But me, I’m cool, I’m hip, I’m now
That’s right I got it made
And I’ve been getting the eye from
The mouse and microwave

My batteries are always charged
My lines are squeaky clean
I’m back in black for the attack
A well oiled machine

And if I’m lost well you would think
They’d call in St. Bernards
the FBI the CIA
And the National Guard

A marvel of technology
I’m more than an appliance
Aย savior that can offer you
Variety and guidance

Else you would be like a lost ship
Just floundering at sea
Or actually have toย leave the couch
To turn on the TV.


52 thoughts on “The Schizzle of the Coffee Table

  1. I made a rule that whenever anyone is done watching TV, the remote goes on the coffee table. Apparently, no one likes my rule, so I’m forever getting up to manually scroll through the DirecTv menu.

    • Oh, I see. I had to read that a few times through to understand…it keeps getting lost, eh? Well here’s something even sadder…my remote is on the coffee table 95% of the time and we still can’t find it!

  2. So foโ€™ schizzle Iโ€™m the hizzle
    Of the coffee table

    Best line ever. Popping this in me journal, and possibly greeting everyone with it today. Thank you!

  3. It certainly holds the high esteem and placement deserved the finest, the “schizzle” is irreplaceable, Marissa!
    I went to see “Spectre” today, escaping Paris depressing tragedy. I could have been a mise for ten minutes with your post and comments but movie was 2 hours of fun, adventuresome escapism.
    How many people wish it could be “called” so as to locate? I mean we can forget where we placed our car or cell phone but there are ways to help us find them! I am always putting my controller up high when grandies come over, Marissa!

      • Thanks Robin! Yes, I was wondering what you meant! Anyway, I’m glad you had something to take your mind off things. And yes, probably best to put that remote up high!

      • Thanks for this great schizzle post. ๐Ÿ™‚ Oh, there are times my apt is wall to wall Matchbox cars, golf “holes” and Barbies. They also throw pillows on surfaces to jump on or off and sheets over furniture to “camp” under. (All places to hide unintentionally the remote controller) Cooler weather or rainy weather keeps us inside or like on Friday, Burger King play area. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. It’s funny that a coffee table is still referred to as a coffee table. Soon enough, we’ll all be buzzing around on our hover boards with cups of Starbucks, while changing the channel with our surgically implanted, wrist remotes. What place will the coffee table have then? Oh yeah, I just sci-fied you!

  5. This one made me laugh! I used to give phone support to help people program a universal remote control (because you know how bad it is if the original dies!!). Anyway, I had some colleagues who were not patient with the clients (probably because the clients were very annoying demanding they paid for the RC so they wanted it to work instead of walking to the TV to change channels). So one time I heard this guy sitting near me saying: “Can you understand that this RC is not compatible with your TV?!? If you don’t want to leave the couch to change channels, then get a f#$king stick 12 feet long and use that because this RC won’t work!!”.

  6. I was at the laundry mat today and I was like- maybe I can write about this. Then I laughed at the stupid idea. But here you are, making poetry out of the TV and coffee table.

  7. Were you at my house when you wrote this? The only thing missing from your prose that would lead me to think so is the candy stuffed in the corners of the couches. Our bad dog will find a bag, steal several pieces, and stuff them into the cushions for safe keeping. I found this out one day…while searching for the remote.
    Have a great week, Marissa! Thank you for my Monday morning fix. xo

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