Some people use a gun, an axe
A rope or an ice pick
I swear this mutha does it with
A super sharp chopstick
So you best just watch your back
When you’re in place remote
Because it’s sharpened like a pencil
And it’s coming for your throat
And he’ll jab you and he’ll stab you
Like you’re moo goo gai pan
Cause he’s the chopstick killer
And he’s on the lam
We’re not sure of his sex and
We don’t know his persuasion
We’re not even real sure
If the Mutha f**kers Asian
He don’t need no stiletto and
He ain’t totin’ no uzi
But he marks his territory with
A tell tale piece of sushi
And he’ll jab you and he’ll stab you
Like you’re moo goo gai pan
Cause he’s the chopstick killer
And he’s on the lam
And he’ll put it in your eyeball
And he’ll put it in your brain
And he’ll fry you in a wok
Like some beef chow mein
And he’s illin’ and he’s killin and he’s
Meetin’ his quota
And he makes his getaway
In a souped up Toyota
And he’ll jab you and he’ll stab you
Like you’re moo goo gai pan
Cause he’s the chopstick killer
And he’s on the lam
A bit of ridiculousness for your Monday brought on by a conversation with my son about what kind of serial killers we would be.
Glorious Results Of A Misspent Youth 
Perhaps that is me… when trying to eat sushi… lol
Oh yes, I mean here I am barely able to even use a chopstick and this guy, well…LOL
Haha…. ๐
Ah, those tender loving moments between a mother and son……
Oh, you have no idea….or maybe you do…
haha! Out of the mouths of babes. Amazing what runs through their minds. ๐
I know…really!
“Fry you in a wok
Like some beef chow mein”
– I like that. Being Asian, I can relate ๐
Oh yes, I guess you can relate. Are you also among the few people I know who can actually use chopsticks?
Yes! I do use them! Not always but I keep one in my purse just in the case I am out of usual utensils ๐
Or weapons…lol
Yes, now that you gave me an idea ๐
Hey, if anything happens, I was not involved!!
Just the mastermind!
Well now you’re making me the accomplice. See how that is…
Beware the chopstick killer in his souped up Toyota! All of a sudden I’m craving Asian food ๐
Ha! Really? I was thinking it might have the opposite effect…
I think I was just hungry, haha ๐
No Chinese food for me, at for a while…
Yes, between this one and the one about Hannibal Lecter, I imagine that few of my readers will be eating for a while.
Introducing the Bergen diet…
Love it!
๐
I had no idea your 2nd Amendment allow free public use of chopsticks…they’re banned in these parts I would add!
I think it’s time to start a petition.
I think you’ve overlooked the power and influence in high places of the Chopstick Lobby!
Perhaps I have. Think it may have been when I gave up on the notion of ever actually being able to use a pair.
Good thing he didn’t use plastic picnic spoons for I believe your Constitution also allows public ownership of those things!
Reminds me of Hannibal Lecter. Such a sweet fellow! “I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”
Did you see my post on Hannibal Lecter going vegan?
I’ll check it out. Thanks for letting me know.
Thanks. Hate to be overly self promotional but when I saw your comment I just had to.
I enjoyed the read, Marissa. Sometimes I miss your posts. I even used the same wording in my comment… fava beans and chianti. Ha ha!
I know, that’s why I couldn’t resist drawing your attention here.
No need for his most brutal talents. I wojld starve to death using chopsticks.
As would I.
Very creative Marissa ๐
I love the picture you added! The chopstick serial killer would be you or your son? ๐
My son of course. Did you really have to ask…LOL! I was thinking more of a seductress myself…you know, who ends up killing people with my stiletto heels.
hahahaha, stiletto in the jugular!! You are right, that’s more you! ๐
I haven’t been around
So i thought I come to say hello
As always Sheldon
Great to hear from you Sheldon! Hope you are doing well.
I miss you so I had to come and check you out
… ” as he leaves a telltale piece of sushi” … I have a vision of him being followed by a bunch of feral cats ๐
Yes, you and your son have some very interesting mother-son bonding moments. I don’t think I ever covered “what kind of serial killer would you like to be?” with my sons ๐
Ha! I never thought of the potential
of him having animals follow him… a sure fire way to get caught. As for those mother son moments, well, you just don’t know what you’re missing.
We’ve had our own parent-son moments. My oldest son loves to tell the story about being in university and while other parents gave their kids gifts of towels, groceries, etc, we gave our son a martini making kit.
What can I say? We’re different ๐
Good for you. Wait, he is 21, right? LOL
Legal drinking age in Canada is 18.
… but yes, he’s over 21 ๐
Now, why didn’t I move to Canada years ago?
HAHAHAHAHA! Weather. Remember the weather? ๐
You are so pleasingly odd, Marissa. In this one, I mean.
Oh yeah, this one was really odd. I was on the fence about publishing it because I knew Michelle’s piece was coming out the same day. I read it to my son and we both decided ‘it’s so bad, it’s good’. I was hoping that if anyone thought it was just bad, the other piece would over shadow it anyway.
It wasn’t bad, my friend. I like your sense of time regardless. ๐
Course there is another way to look at things. He could be killing you with an awful rendition on the piano of “Chopsticks”.
Wow, I just realize that I may possibly have been a victim of attempted murder…at many times in my life. But I actually think the weapon of choice may have been Ode to Joy on a violin which was played in about 50 different solo renditions at my son’s middle school recital.
Now you get it. They are after us and we can’t let them get away with it. ‘Course you will never know how many people you killed when you were playing with that punk rock band.
That is very true!
Another Bergen hit. Those last verses in each stanza… it’s almost like you are making a song or something. ๐
Go figure…
1+1 =2
This needs to be set to music! That picture is a hoot. Where did you find that!
Thank you! Another one of my raps. The image was just something I was lucky enough to find on google.
Uhm….well, okay, it only freaks me out I just purchased 14 sets of chopsticks. You aren’t coming to dinner any time soon are you?
You will be very happy to know that I can not even use chopsticks to eat with…nor do I drive a souped up Toyota.
Okay then…..whew. Wait. You don’t need to eat with chopsticks to stab someone with them!
Oh right well, I erm…I just meant that I… well, see you later okay!!
Ha! ๐
Thank you for always bantering with me. And making me laugh.
It’s a pleasure.
I am going into hiding..he sounds too violent. Super Marissa..๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
A wise move.
Wonderful wonderful! I took up the chopsticks about a month ago, as the fork lacked a necessary challenge ๐
I’m reading this two ways and wondering if they chopstick killer might actually be you!!
I’m a lover not a fighter Marissa B!
OOOO! Love this one, too.
You rocked it – like a mutha!!!
(I would love love to meet your son!)
Thank you Michelle. He’s quite something for a 13 year old. Raisin’ ’em right and all that…
โค๏ธโค๏ธ
I shall now keep chopsticks instead of pepper spray in my purse ! Thanks for the idea ๐
Okay, but if anything unforeseen happens, I take no responsibility!
To be honest I read this on Monday but my brain was fried and could not think of a clever comeback. So I still am not really going to have one, but will say the disclaimers on your comments made me chuckle as if you could take the blame for a chopsticks murder or ambush, Marissa.
Okay. Don’t set the P.C. police on me:
“Confucius say: One who carries chopsticks never has to search for a toothpick.”
Confucius say: If one uses chopsticks to murder, he may not have stomach to eat prickly pears, porcupine balls (meat and rice balls) or coconut sprinkled cupcakes.”
Oh very clever indeed. These comebacks were definitely worth the wait! And honestly Robin, do I seem the type who would set the P. C. police on you?
No, just my “disclaimer” for others who may say this Confucius stuff is inappropriate.
People need a sense of humor.
so intelligible… you have a way of appropriately incorporating humour… ‘I swear this mutha does it with A super sharp chopstick’ – you’re really good Marissa… always learn something reading your work too – love it
Thank you! I’m so glad you enjoyed it.
“Weโre not sure of his sex and
We donโt know his persuasion
Weโre not even real sure
If the Mutha f**kers Asian” – Hahahahaha. Tickled me a great deal this poem.
– sonmi playing Chopsticks on the piano upon the Cloud
Thank you for the musical accompaniment! Glad you enjoyed.