Chopstick Killer

Some people use a gun, an axe
A rope or an ice pick
I swear this mutha does it with
A super sharp chopstick
So you best just watch your back
When you’re in place remote
Because it’s sharpened like a pencil
And it’s coming for your throat
And he’ll jab you and he’ll stab you
Like you’re moo goo gai pan
Cause he’s the chopstick killer
And he’s on the lam

We’re not sure of his sex and
We don’t know his persuasion
We’re not even real sure
If the Mutha f**kers Asian
He don’t need no stiletto and
He ain’t totin’ no uzi
But he marks his territory with
A tell tale piece of sushi
And he’ll jab you and he’ll stab you
Like you’re moo goo gai pan
Cause he’s the chopstick killer
And he’s on the lam

And he’ll put it in your eyeball
And he’ll put it in your brain
And he’ll fry you in a wok
Like some beef chow mein
And he’s illin’ and he’s killin and he’s
Meetin’ his quota
And he makes his getaway
In a souped up Toyota
And he’ll jab you and he’ll stab you
Like you’re moo goo gai pan
Cause he’s the chopstick killer
And he’s on the lam

A bit of ridiculousness for your Monday brought on by a conversation with my son about what kind of serial killers we would be.

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85 thoughts on “Chopstick Killer

  1. … ” as he leaves a telltale piece of sushi” … I have a vision of him being followed by a bunch of feral cats πŸ˜‰

    Yes, you and your son have some very interesting mother-son bonding moments. I don’t think I ever covered “what kind of serial killer would you like to be?” with my sons πŸ˜‰

    • Oh yeah, this one was really odd. I was on the fence about publishing it because I knew Michelle’s piece was coming out the same day. I read it to my son and we both decided ‘it’s so bad, it’s good’. I was hoping that if anyone thought it was just bad, the other piece would over shadow it anyway.

  2. Wonderful wonderful! I took up the chopsticks about a month ago, as the fork lacked a necessary challenge πŸ™‚

  3. To be honest I read this on Monday but my brain was fried and could not think of a clever comeback. So I still am not really going to have one, but will say the disclaimers on your comments made me chuckle as if you could take the blame for a chopsticks murder or ambush, Marissa.
    Okay. Don’t set the P.C. police on me:
    “Confucius say: One who carries chopsticks never has to search for a toothpick.”
    Confucius say: If one uses chopsticks to murder, he may not have stomach to eat prickly pears, porcupine balls (meat and rice balls) or coconut sprinkled cupcakes.”

  4. so intelligible… you have a way of appropriately incorporating humour… ‘I swear this mutha does it with A super sharp chopstick’ – you’re really good Marissa… always learn something reading your work too – love it

  5. “We’re not sure of his sex and
    We don’t know his persuasion
    We’re not even real sure
    If the Mutha f**kers Asian” – Hahahahaha. Tickled me a great deal this poem.

    – sonmi playing Chopsticks on the piano upon the Cloud

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