Oh yes I do remember when we buried poor aunt Jean
She’d gone from a size 0 up to a size 14
That’s why we told the family we didn’t think it best
To bury her in her most favorite slinky cocktail dress
No amount of alterations really made for a clean line
As she hadn’t worn that dress since 1989
But they did not appreciate my well meant intervening
And so the word ‘viewing’ would take on a whole new meaning.
And remember that time when we picked up grandpa Ned
He died one night so peacefully right in his own bed
But I’m sure the family found our technique rather shoddy
Our laughable ineptness at attempts to move the body
I had him round the arms, Johnny had him round the knees
A coffee table in the way and an ill timed sneeze
Well let’s just put it this way, I never thought I’d say
You’re grandfather’s body is wedged in the stairway
And some stop and wonder how I work with these conditions
The eyes that sink, the mouths that gape, the bodily emissions
Amazed atย how it is that daily I don’t blow a gasket
With angry relatives who tussle right into the caskets
Dismembered body pieces, putty, wax and string it’s set
Until they can be propped up much like a marionette
Oh I must admit it isn’t easy to be me
But there’s something to be said about job security
Marissa, you are hystericaly… ๐๐๐ You have such a natrual way and humor to tell the most morbid story and make me laughing tears!!!
It is a strange talent to have!! Thank you Erika!
I admire you for that talent!!! Love it! (oh, and I just noticed that “y” which slipped into “hysterical”…)
Oh, thank you Erika!
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Hurry, I’m going to need your services…I’m dying laughing! ๐
Ha, ha! Very punny!
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Marissa, mind if I foist a couple of myfunnies on you in turn?
https://randomrantsruminationsramblings.wordpress.com/2015/07/10/an-ants-angsty-rants/
https://randomrantsruminationsramblings.wordpress.com/2015/02/17/begone-mr-beard/
Keen to know what you think, Ms funnybones! ๐
Yes, went over and commented accordingly, thanks.
Much appreciated, ma’am! You have yourself s lovely day!
What a splendid conversational type verse…astute matter of factness (not a word I know!). A bravo moment methinks. By the way it reminds me of the time I kept mum’s ashes in the garden shed for a year and a bit waiting for the old boy to snuff it whereupon I spread their ashes together…spooked the neighbours a bit though!
Conversational type verse…well I couldn’t agree more…so I decided to read and discuss while volunteering at the nursing home this morning. (I’m joking of course).
I remember my husband and his brother decided to go to the beach to spread their father’s ashes and a strong wind came along and well, let’s just say that a good bit of the ashes would end up getting washed out of their hair and clothes later that day.
Did the same thing Marissa…in parkland south of London…spread the bloody ashes into the wind did both Shirl and I…the local kids thought we were a zombie infection!
Isnt’t that the norm?
Some people are organised and get it right…then again they would likely seem tedious to the likes of us nutters!
Wait a minute…did you say some people are organized and get it right? I don’t understand…can you explain this concept?
As an accomplished failure at getting things wrong I’m afraid I can’t help in that regard!
Okay…although I thought you were a failure and getting things right. Och…Mike, mind your double negatives.
Leave my double negatives out of this young lady!
haha! Good one! It’s certainly a business that knows no market loss. ๐
Yes, very true!
Inevitable! We’ll all go through here. I love love this!!! Takes the creepiness out of it and replaces it with hilarity. Genius, Marissa! How does an undertaker dress? Maybe as a Halloween costume?
Yes, it would definitely be a hard guess for most people but a top hat, a suit, maybe some whitening of the face and you’d fit right in regardless.
Perfect!
Oh, the stories I’m sure that could be told …. ๐
I probably should have included this in my blog but here’s the article I used for inspiration
http://www.cracked.com/personal-experiences-1368-5-horrifying-truths-about-funeral-homes-from-undertaker.html
It’s a bit long but if you take the time to read, I don’t think you will be disappointed…although maybe a bit grossed out!
I think I might have watched too many episodes of CSI because I wasn’t grossed out – or surprised – by the article. What does that say about me?!
Um, you have a strong stomache??? I was a bit surprised that an undertaker takes on so many…er…roles in the whole process. Also, honestly, more amused than anything. It was a pretty funny article!
LOL – I don’t think it was particularly gruesome, but there were a few surprises. I didn’t realize they would go through so much trouble to “reconstruct” a loved one for a viewing.
Same here!
That’s a job for sure! Also not for the faint of heart. I actually know an Undertaker, ha ha!
Oh goodness! The inspiration for this poem actually came from me reading an article about everything they had to do. I don’t envy your friend!
I want to be buried in my wedding dress, a few sizes ago, but I figure they can do something to make me presentable.
I actually read an article all about this which inspired the article. Apparently they can do alterations to a point but some are just impossible.
He or she looked so good. Too bad they weren’t around to hear the compliment.
Best they ever looked!
I couldn’t said this one better. ๐
It’s a rare gift.
Of course.
LOL. Started laughing from line 2. Bodily emissions…
Job security indeed. NO amt of money could convince me to work even a day as an undertaker….You?
There was a time I may have considered it and thought it wouldn’t be so bad. My inspiration for this blog was an article written by a real life undertaker. After reading that article, I have done a 360. Absolutely no, no way. I would go running.
I love how you can take most serious of the topics and put your own funny twist on it, leaving us to laugh out loud, This was outstanding Marissa!
Thank you! Hopefully not offending anyone who is grieving right now but death is inevitable so why not laugh??
The most disturbing thing about this? The thought that someone might put ME in a dress when I lie in casket. Let’s not let that happen please.
Write it into you will Colleen!! ‘I want to be buried in bike shorts!!’ Ha, ha!
So funny you say that…..I have already expressed it!!! ๐
Why am I not surprised?
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Marissa, This was hilarious. Aunt Jean’s viewing required clearing the tears of laughter and Grandpa Ned wedged in the stairway was a visual worth waiting for. My day is done now. I needn’t go on. ๐
Well I dare say Ned may have waited his whole life for that visual. And really, who needed to do anything but lie on the couch anyway?
I expect my family to do the same. After forty days and forty nights without any progress on the beer in front of me, I’m hoping the family will bury me in my Sponge Bob Square Pants pajamas and throw a keg party to celebrate the receipt of the first social security check as reward for their suffering.
Well, you’ve certainly lowered your expectations. I see little disappointment in your future.
Lol! Managing disappointment is my major focus in life. I find low or no expectations can lower the risk of disappointment. ๐
Absolutely!
;D
Hi, Marissa. Just wanted to pop in and say hello. Hope you’re doing well. I see you’ve not lost you sense of humor. ๐ I’m going to go read some more now.
Always great to hear from you Elizabeth ! Thank you for stopping by!
smiling…love your tongue in cheek…it is right? May you have a beautiful day!
Yes, perfect, thank you!
Okay, Marissa you out did yourself with the fun expressions and great choices of rhymes. (shoddy/body, conditions/emissions) This is a perfect post for October with the decorations up so many places and ghoulish headstones as graces put up in front yards in middle America. Sometimes I just want to shriek but instead I just hum a haunting melody. . .
Yes, for October I try to put in as many spooky ones as possible. It seems an endless souce of inspiration where mayhem meets the macabre. Shrieking with laughter, I hope!
I shriek with laughter at your stories but sometimes at decorations, I shriek because they can be scary, Marissa! There is a guy who has an automated one where something pops up every year locally. . . spooky!!
Yes, I was just telling Mark B. about how a lot of the locals here work on movie sets and practically set up horror movie sets in their front gardens. It’s a lot of fun and sometimes truly terrifying for the kids!
Creepy, wicked fun! I’m setting to my Monday morning reading…perhaps I should have some spooky music running in the background. Loved this!
Yes, highly recommended.
Loved this. Especially the job security part..wow! You are amazing
Thank you Nimi!
Part of me wants to laugh… part of me wants to say ewww…. part of me relates wat to much to this. I think I know what the problem is. I have too many parts.
Luckily they aren’t the kind that would need to be removed in order to fit you in a coffin!
This made me laugh!
I have to admit I enjoyed the show Six Feet Under and the stories of a friend of our family who owns a funeral home (the guy has such a great sense of humor! I think you need it to do this job) ๐
Oh yes, for sure. If you are interested in that sort of thing, and have some extra time on your hands you might enjoy reading the article that inspired me to write this:
http://www.cracked.com/personal-experiences-1368-5-horrifying-truths-about-funeral-homes-from-undertaker.html
No pressure though!
I will read it Marissa!! Thank you!!
I read about the guy and the free samples. Wow! CRAZY people out there!! ๐
I know, really!! Thanks for taking the time to read!
I read the undertaker article too ๐
Thank you. Very entertaining ๐
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed.
This is fantastic. Seemed very personal!
Thank you! Really just based it off an article I read. It does not reflect any personal experiences I’ve had.
Love your comical take on a rather serious subject Marissa. ๐ I wrote a ditty in response and can share it with you (I just have to find your email) if you wish.
I just read your profile and am so impressed about your musical talent and your life as a singer et al in a rock n roll band. Would love to hear your music if you have it up on YouTube. I love music – all genres.
I’m so glad to hear that I could inspire you. Yes, I would love to read what you wrote. You can send it to marissabergen602@gmail.com. I’ve been doing music a long time and a lot of it predates the internet but recently started a family band. Here’s one of our songs. Thanks so much.
I like the name : Cheesebergens. Very clever! ๐ Although I said I like all types of music, I have to admit, I’m not familiar with ‘punk rock.’ Do you play other genres Marissa?
You have a talented family .. you must be so proud of them. I’m emailing you the poem.
Thank you! Yes, loved, loved, loved the poem.
Unfortunately, my musical playing style is somewhat limited to what falls under the rock n’ roll genre. The song I pasted here is a little more metal but nothing like classical or jazz or anything that quite likely would make me a better musician! Ha, ha!
I’m not sure why but I envisage you as a jazz singer. I would like to hear a solo number by you. Have you tried some of Amy Winehouse’s numbers?
Oh, that’s funny! I have been told I look like Amy Winehouse so that may be part of it. I only wish I had her voice!