Sleeping In Soup

It’s ‘sweat behind the knees’ hot
It’s ‘I can not believe’ hot
It’s ‘oh was that a breeze?’ hot

It’s ‘oh don’t touch me there!’ hot
It’s ‘I can’t even bare’ hot
‘To wear my underwear’ hot

It’s ‘brow is soaking wet’ hot
It’s ‘under the boob sweat’ hot
It’s ‘hot as it can get’ hot

It’s ‘very nearly swelt’ring’ hot
It’s ‘getting overwhelming’ hot
It’s ‘my makeup is melting’ hot

It’s ‘can’t escape the heat’ hot
It’s ‘no shoes on my feet’ hot
It’s ‘fried eggs on the street’ hot

It’s ‘like I got a fever’ hot
It’s ‘who turned up the heater?’ hot
‘Let’s go live in the freezer’ hot

It’s ‘I’m about to droop’ hot
It’s ‘I’m completely pooped’ hot
It’s ‘I’m sleeping in soup’ hot

But no matter the heat
I can’t help but note
There’s always some idiot
Wearing a coat.

I hope it’s getting cooler by you. Here in L.A., summer is having it’s last hurrah in a big way.


The Question

I sat there with my mouth agape
A quite confused expression
As I pondered so carefully
The answer to her question

I then reviewed a mental list
I made of facts and figures
Variables weighed carefully
All factors were considered

And meantime night turned into day
And day turned into night
The guards did change, I dozed a bit
No answer was in sight

And horns did blare and cars lined up
And filled the narrow aisle
Til it was said headlights were seen
There stretching out for miles

But I let not external sounds
To dare to cloud my vision
Or lest they think their lowbred ways
Should hasten my decision

Which had me weighing ounces that
Came to the closest measure
Health, nutrition and of course
My own personal pleasure

And dollars, pennies were compared
With calories and fat
As she repeated “Ma’am, I said
Would you like fries with that?”

This was actually inspired by the article 40 Really Awful Writing Prompts The No Writer Should Use. I’m still trying to do one about the aardvark that’s possessed by the devil.


What’s In A Name

Oh hon look at our little lamb
Pictured in the sonogram
She looks so small so sweet and dear
I just can’t wait til she is here
We have her crib, some clothes her wipes her
Toys, layette sets and her diapers
One thing though it’s very plain
Our little one just needs a name

I just can’t guess a name other
Than that one of my nice old mother
Don’t you think that would be special?
Problem solved, we’ll call her Ethel!

How could you be so unwitting
Please tell me that you are kidding
Surely even you can see
That woman always hated me
Hideous backwards compliments
She always doubts my competence
I’ll name my daughter for that ogre
Only once hell freezes over

But I think I have our answer
Candie Nikki Trixie Amber

Oh my God what is your goal?
To drive her up a stripper pole?

Let’s make sure from the very start
That she’s a warrior at heart
Something strong and something mighty
Calliope or Aphrodite

Are you joking? Oh pu-leeze!
Imagine how she would get teased
Another thing there is no telling
How often there would be misspellings

But name her with integrity
With some flare and celebrity
Don’t you think it would be dope
To name her Pear or Cantaloupe

Oh my god, that’s just bizarre
What say we name her for a car
Saturn, Subaru or Mazda
Ferrari, Pontiac or Honda

Or maybe even better yet
Consult the medicine cabinet
Benadryl, Amoxicillin
Xanax, Prozac, Penicillin

All this fighting’s got me nauseous
Right here in the doctor’s office
Let’s just close our eyes and spin
Our fingers point to random things
Which ever one we get to first
Will be our daughter’s name at birth

And now so plainly you see that
I have this story cold down pat
And even to the point it rhymes
Since I’ve told it a thousand times
When I’m asked nearly every day
Just how I got the name X-Ray.

For the inspiration for this blog I must give full credit to Phil Taylor and his blog Ten Situations That Should Be Solved By A Rap Battle. Thank you Phil.


The Unwanted Guests

I know you think you’ve finally found
A place that’s safe from harm
And laid eggs for your babies where
They will be well and warm

And so you frolic all around
You think that life is grand
Blithely you sustain yourself
Off the fat of the land

But this nonchalant lifestyle has
Caused me much affliction
So with no notice I call for
Immediate eviction

I’m all for footloose fancy free
Existence without care
But next time maybe set up camp
In someone else’s hair.