It’s A Dirty Job

“Hello this is Marissa and
I thank you very much
For making it your choice today
To call on Hits R Us

Now that things are in our hands
There’s no need to be nervous
And let me please assure you we’ve
Top quality in service

So tell me is it an in law
Who’s testing your endurance
A spouse who wore his welcome and
Has some good life insurance

A teacher with a failing grade
They’re ready to bestow
A rich aunt on her last legs who’s
Just refusing to go

We at Hits do understand
These instances are stressful
But you’re in luck you called today
Since we’re running a special

So please let all your good friends know
And tell your family
That if they act by Sunday then
It’s buy one get one free

But before we do move on
To ways andΒ means and actions
You get your pick from our array
Of lovely skilled assassins

Perhaps you’d like the Panther or
Possibly Big Mike
The Chef, Karate Killer or
Maybe you’ll choose Spike

The Femme Fatale assassin or
The Reaper, the Ice Queen
Or if you’re sparing no expense
We also have Eugene

And now a manner delicate
Of which many are tepid
But please feel free to take your pick
From our creative methods

A gradual poisoning over time
Or you may decide
Upon popular methods that
We’ll just call suicide

Or maybe there’s an accident
And they got in the way
Or you can get Chef’s specialty
Bake them in a souffle

24 hour turnaround
We promise without fail
We can even send a small
Memento in the mail

So make it Hits R Us each time
Your looking for a whack
Satisfaction guaranteed
Or your money back”

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78 thoughts on “It’s A Dirty Job

  1. You are so amazing, Marissa! I love this ironic side. And your talent of this flow is amazing. While reading the poem it even doesn’t seem like a poem. Wow!!!

  2. Oooh, I love specials! Have to contact you NOW, Marissa! Before you’re overbooked! My list is long. Hope you’ll give better discounts — friend special πŸ˜‰

  3. Not sure where this one came from. I just realized you are very evil in a fun way. (I mean that in a good way. I say that very nicely. Wouldn’t want to upset you. Makes me wonder what would happen to anyone who made a nasty comment on your posts. “Oops, his computer electrified him.”) You know, hiring you could be very addictive. I get one done, and find out just how much fun that was. No more Irving. Then it’s a second one. Pretty soon the whole family is gone. And I can’t stop. Like that old potato chip commercial. “Bet you can’t kill just one.” Also for those return customers, you could have two for one specials. By the way, are you looking for new employees? Uncle Bardie has an excellent resume.

  4. Classic Marissa here! Loving the potential and possibility of the topic and you went down each path perfectly! So a money back guarantee, eh? But how about my ex-husband back? I changed my mind and need his child support to return.

  5. Oh Marissa, I so don’t want to get on your bad side!! Every so often, your evil genius personna bubbles to the surface πŸ™‚
    … but heaven help me, I can’t resist asking about Eugene. I’m so curious as to why he’s premium priced πŸ˜‰

  6. Love at first whack! If you have bulk rates, I have a long list. Some are on the list more than once. Perhaps a team effort will do. Seriously, this made me smile. Should I be worried?

  7. Hmmmmm …. Now I am left wondering what in the world was the inspiration for this poem? I almost hesitate to ask. Tee hee …. AMAZING work again, Marissa!! (((HUGS))) Amy ❀

  8. Wow. Remind me not to get you angry……the Marissa Mafia…….watch out! I’m thinking as sweet as I know you to be on here, if provoked you could actually be a pretty scary girl! So do we get to hear the reason behind this post?

  9. This one had some of the best lines in it, Marissa! I especilly like the array of methods and tepid’s rhyming with method. So clever but most of all: extremely “wickedly” satisfying. πŸ™‚

  10. But before we do move on
    Of lovely skilled assassins…

    and …
    But please feel free to take your pick
    From our creative methods

    I would have never thought that you might be allowed to choose o_O
    Your poem is pure excellence, dear Marisssa.
    All my best wishes Aquileana πŸ˜€

  11. Your “wicked good” poems are always my favorites. Before I even noticed the ACDC nod at the bottom, my head was already singing “Dirty Deeds.”
    May I have a Eugene, please? It’s Monday πŸ™‚

    • Yes, as soon as I thought it would be fun to write a poem about a contract killer, I thought I better do my best not to just re-do Dirty Deeds but thought I’d ad them for the media nonetheless.

      Eugene is always busiest on Mondays but I’ll make sure to reserve a priority spot for you.

  12. Now THIS is a service I could use. πŸ˜‰ Instead of taking months to kill ’em in my books, I’ll just call you. I’d like to start with Eugene, please. πŸ™‚

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