Brown Shoes Don’t Make It: Here Lies John

The mourners they wept quietly
And gathered there they stood
Staring at the solemn lid
On that closed box of wood
And with rev’rent austerity
They filed to their seats
As a suited businessman
Prepared to make his speech
“John he was quite smart you know
And that I can confirm
I met the man when he showed up
For a job at my firm
It seemed he was the guy for us
As so it did appear
He had a brilliant business mind
Out of the box ideas
I would present our manager
With most glowing reviews
But so unfortunate I saw
The choosing of John’s shoes
And so it was bad news that day
I was the one to break it
‘We’ll have to go with someone else
You see brown shoes don’t make it’ ”

And next up to the speaker box
For her funereal duty
A lovely woman statuesque
And really a great beauty
She said “Dear John was very kind
Really he was great
I met him when I was set up
With him on a blind date
Funny sexy witty smart
My heart did run amuck
He had it all and really I
Could not believe my luck
I was about to call my friend
The greatest of matchmakers
But when I saw his shoes I thought
‘Oh no that’s a deal breaker’
I tried, I made a second date
But then I had to break it
I said ‘Look John I’m sorry I’m
Afraid brown shoes don’t make it’ ”

The third speaker was up that day
Amidst the tears and crying
He was a quite unlikely beast
A regal golden lion
“It was quite odd that I saw John
Step in my cage that day
I think he was trying to be
Heroic in some way
I’m sure that he was doing just
What he thought right and best
Rescuing a wallet for a
Damsel in distress
But really if you think ’bout it
Oh what a thing to do
We all know that a real hero
Just doesn’t wear brown shoes
And so I saw him crawling round
And thought it quite suspicious
Until it did occur to me
He just might be delicious
And though you may think ill of me
Don’t knock it till you try
The succulent and juicy flesh
Of The Boring White Guy
The very best in all the land
And many of us say
It rivals every zebra as
The finest in gourmet
And when this tasty morsel did
Come crawling round my den
I licked my lips… oh excuse me
Now where was I again?
Well anyway, to sum it up
Imagine my delight
I think I finished up poor John
In no more than one bite
But when I saw those bland brown shoes
My stomach couldn’t take it
Even us felines know,
Those brown shoes just don’t make it
So when I saw them sitting there
I just could not go on
So I’m afraid that pair of shoes
Is all that’s left of John.

Incorporating the great Frank Zappa’s quote into my post today for the Quote A Day Challenge. Thanks to Mark Bialczak and Erika Kind for nominating me.

55 thoughts on “Brown Shoes Don’t Make It: Here Lies John

  1. Now I know why Cinderella rejected Prince Charming. He wore brown shoes. And that must be why I am not so popular. All I have in my closet are, you guessed it, brown shoes.

    • Thanks Rob! Yeah, when I was looking for songs I could quote, it’s unbelievable how many time Zappa came up. The only problem was making my own story out of it since he already had such a funny and outrageous one in his songs.

  2. Poor John….he was probably colourblind. Marissa, you surprised me with this one…they always say the murderer shows up the funeral, but I think this is the first time I’ve heard of him delivering a eulogy!

    • Yes, well as far as I know, they usually don’t prosecute animals…although in this day and age I might not be surprised. Yes, perhaps a twist ending where it turns out John was colorblind and then everyone feels really bad!

  3. Marissa, another brilliant creation!!! Where you come up with your ideas is beyond me, but man, can you write! LOVED this, my friend!! Thank you! Love, Amy ❤

  4. So unique and Zappa-like. Creative and twisted, such a turn in the plot of this poem, too. I was ready to cry for poor John, due to his unfortunate choice of shoes. Wish the lion had chosen to throw him up whole, that would have made me cheer! (I really liked this one a lot, Marissa!)

    • Oh yes, wasn’t that the plot of Pierre and The Lion? Yes, Zappa is so inspirational and, honestly, it was hard to borrow one of his ideas and not rip him off completely. Sorry for the sad ending but I’m glad you liked it!

    • Well, it’s all Frank Zappa’s fault really. Actually, if you listen to the song or read the lyrics it’s really just a euphemism for mediocrity, and I hardly would consider you mediocre…brown shoes or not. …but they’re not loafers, are they?

      • Whew. No, they aren’t loafers. But I am definitely mediocre when it comes to clothes. Brown belt and brown shoes (sandals actually) even with black pants. And I’ve been called out for that. Years ago actually. Being a bit rebellious I now ALWAYS wear brown belt/brown shoes, even and always with black! 😉

      • Well, I am a bit outrageous with my clothing but my husband on the other hand, wears almost uniform of jeans (always dark blue) with a rock shirt. Sometimes when I’m searching my closet trying to figure out the perfect thing to wear, I envy him.

      • I have gone out to buy new pants for work, but 2 or 3 pairs and get home to discover they are the EXACT same pants. I have 3 tan capris (same brand and style), 3 green capris (repeat), 3 black capris (repeat). And about fifty pairs of jeans. My shirts? At least they are different colors, though exact same style. You may now envy me. Hahahahahahaha!

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