Fits In The Fitting Room

I wander through the clothing store
My arms about to bust
Under the weight of what must be
Some twenty items plus

But nought did I anticipate
My now impending doom
In the form of the awaiting
Communal dressing room

A remote possibility
I never entertained
Lest I would have worn underwear
That wasn’t torn and stained

Amongst the half dressed bodies there
I walk with agile stealth
What else to do for sure these clothes
Ain’t gonna try themselves

My first victim I do select
But I can not conceive
Of how my arm came through the neck
Or my head through the sleeve

I hear the suppressed giggles and
The confused looking frowns
As I try to correct my wrong
The dress now upside down

But I hold fast my dignity
In the face of the others
And then dismiss that dress because
It just wasn’t my color

The next in my selection is
A lovely sunny gown
I pull o’er my head to find
It goes not up nor down

Blinded now I struggle in a
Fashion most demeaning
As round the dressing room I go
I flail around careening

One arm contorts this way and that
I long to find the zip
Until at last I hear the sound
The seams loudly go rip

A great relief as from the dress
I’m finally unfettered
Easily it’s off my head
Now isn’t that much better?

For really whats a dress to do
I’m better off it seems
To look for something more useful
Like this nice pair of jeans

Stretchy skinny ankles tight
It seems that I am daring
To wear the latest styles which
Now all of the kids are wearing

They fit quite nicely it does seem
And look good from all angles
But when I go to take them off
They won’t budge from my ankles

I pull until they’re inside out
To no avail I see
I ask the girl there to my left
If she can set me free

Before I know it it does seem
That there is a whole fleet
Of women trying to remove
These damn things from my feet

They pull me off the dressing bench
And drag me cross the floor
I fear I’ll be stuck in these jeans
For forevermore

And begin to wonder if
Insurance would approve
The cost to have these freakin’ things
Surgically removed

But clearly larger issues loom
Away my helpers swarm
Prompted by incessant rings
Of the fire alarm


35 thoughts on “Fits In The Fitting Room

  1. Oh no! Damn those skinny jeans! Pulls your knickers with it too!!!
    Had been to one of those communal fitting rooms -trying on wedding dresses, would you believe?

    • Yes, the post was inspired by me and my children who often have to pull ourselves near across the floor to get the damn things off. Hmmm, communal fitting rooms for wedding dresses…Now I did not have a formal wedding so there was not really a formal fitting but I thought those things were to be luxuriously private, at least until you walked out for the viewing. Was it to make it easier to get feedback and measurements??

  2. Oh my….what a conundrum……but at least the firefighters are going to have a pleasant day rescuing that!

    • If they end up rescuing that at all. You know, my mind went over several scenarios…one for the dark minded…that the post end up in a fatality where are heroin sacrifices herself to the flames…all for the love of her skinny jeans…or another where they carry her out undressed, skinny jeans round her ankles.

    • So funny Stephanie, because, Lohman’s was exactly the store I was thinking of when I wrote this poem. I mean, I think that is the only communal dressing room I’ve been in. Did they close? Or maybe just the one in my area. Anyway, if they did, that might be the sole reason why!

  3. Very funny Marissa!! I had a similar experience. I put on really tight jeans and once I could finally lift the zipper and button them, the zipper broke and only the head stayed on top and the rest opened up. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t let the zipper go down. My sister came to the dressing room to help me but, no success… After laughing non-stop for about 5 minutes, a woman from the store came to ask what had happened… I’m not sure how we managed to take the jeans off.
    Then I put on an angry face and told the woman: They should use a better quality of zippers (but I guess she was thinking something like: and you should have tried a bigger size of jeans!).

    • Wow, that is such a funny story. You know, I have been in a lot of dressing rooms where I’ve been afraid of something like that happening and worse, sometimes I get back into my own clothes and the zipper gets stuck. Imagine what would happen if you couldn’t get back into your own clothes!! Guess you would be forced to buy something from the store, but you’d definitely need assistance and that would be embarrassing. Luckily it’s never come to that!

  4. I’m not sure if this poem is a comedy or a horror for surely a communal dressing room would be a horror for me. I prefer to keep my insecurities about clothes buying as private as possible!! ๐Ÿ˜‰
    I laughed out loud at the ending though. You really are brilliant at closing with a twist ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Thanks so much Joanne. Yes, communal dressing rooms can be a horror. I just think about the things I do trying to get into clothing in private dressing rooms and imagine having to do that in front of so many women. Not to mention the things you’re likely to see!!

  5. My favorite part of your story (sorry) is the.tattered undies I am prone to hanging on to. I love upside down dress and the skinny jeans comic. I enjoy relaxed fit jeans but wish sizes were universal, Marissa! I don’t like dragging into dressing rooms 3 sizes but usually do, if there isn’t a number limit. Take care and have a fun weekend!

  6. LOL!! Loved this!
    I think this is what Shel Silverstein would have sounded like if he was a woman in a dressing room.
    I have an e-mail with a week’s worth of posts from you, Marissa….I’m thinking that’s what is going to get me through today. Thank you!

    • Thank you Michelle! Always so great to hear from you. Yes, a Tuesday after a long weekend, I suppose we’re all going to need a little help! Glad if I can offer some support.

    • Nothing quite like this actually happened. I am rarely in communal dressing rooms but a lot of time I do get ‘caught’ in clothing I try on and I always think to myself ‘thank goodness no one else is here to see that!!’

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