A Slave to the Bottle

Mikey Mike was sure the girls simply would adore
Him if he smelled exactly like the Abercrombie store
So off he went with quest to win the hearts of maidens plenty
To secure the bottled smell that cost a pretty penny

He doused himself but the honeys noticed not at all
Except to say “Oh gosh it smells exactly like the mall!”
And Mikey was frustrated so but just figured he’d be
A charmer with the ladies if he doused more heavily

And soon the smell did permeate his bed sheets and his clothes
Until it was the only scent that dared come through his nose
His food would smell of his cologne it was all that he tasted
And it came to the point that applications were just wasted

For everybody knew that it would be the fires of hell
That would rid poor Mikey Mike of his incessant smell
Which may as well have had the title of Eau de le Sewer
And friends they come around quite less and girlfriends even fewer

Until one day a girl came round who did seem rather fetching
Who walked so proud on Mikey’s arm without even retching
At first no one could fathom what in Mikey she did see
And wondered if her nostrils weren’t working properly

But take a few steps closer and one could do more than assume
Her lover’s scent was blocked out by her own vile perfume.

imgres

Mass Market My Heart

My MC bought out on the street
Down at Saint Marks place
I wore it proudly til the day
It saw it’s fall from grace

A trend in Brooklyn it became
Was it sweet irony
Worn by all the awful kids
Who always picked on me

And that was the beginning of
What was soon to fall
For soon Doc Martens would be found
Sold at suburban malls

And once exclusively U.K.
Indeed what could be finer
But something lost as they’re outsourced
And mass produced in China

And for 100 bucks or so
Most anybody can
Have their 2 year old appear
The biggest Ramones fan

Though I suppose they have the right
I can’t help think it’s vulgar
The price tags and the plastic wraps
Mass market counter culture

So take the spikes from my wristband
And just rip out my heart
I bought this T-shirt at the show
Not at the Walmart

chrisbrown

The Rock N’ Roll Rabbi

Got a huge star of David
That’s tattooed upon his chest
Rock n’ rolls 6 nights
On the 7th day he rests
He’s working on his beard
Since the day of his Bar Mitzvah
They say he’s a good Jew
But he looks more like a hipster
And for his Passover
Got a line around the block
Cause all the dudes and girlies
Know his seders really rock
And nobody chows down
Until the prayers are over
He’s the rock n’ roll rabbi
And he’s keepin’ it kosher

He’s doin up a brisket
And he’s doin’ it up right
And he’s startin’ it at sundown
And he’s goin’ to midnight
And you know that Manischevitz
Gonna be his only drug
Got Black Shabbat on the tunes
And ‘Dayeinu’ unplugged
They’re bustin’ out The Hora
Cause it is his favorite dance
Let the girlies find the matzahs
Cause they’re hidden down his pants
But he’s gonna save the kinder
From indecent exposure
He’s the rock n’ roll rabbi
And he’s keeping it kosher

He’s wearing his tallit
With his stylin’ leather jeans
And his payot are moussed
And he’s dying them green
Got a high hat for a kippa
Cause he’s doin’ it right
Makin’ sure this night is diff’rent
From all other nights
He ain’t down with the plague
Or the lice or the locusts
Got the moves like Jagger
And he’s smooth like Moses
He’s at the place to be
For every Passover
He’s the rock n’ roll rabbi
And he’s keeping it kosher

imgres

Passover For Dummies

The Pharaoh came from Egypt and said,
“Have you heard the news?
Holy freakin’ crap- We’re being
over run by Jews!
There’s gotta be a better way,
Something must be done!
I know what we’re gonna do!
We’ll kill their first born sons!”

I guess their plan would have worked,
But Jesus, Mary, Joseph!
A badass Jewish son was born,
His mother named him Moses.
She sent him down the river so,
That she could save his life,
Unfortunately he was found
By the Pharaoh’s wife.

I guess he looked Goyish enough,
Or no one looked too hard,
But they got tipped off when he,
Killed an Egyptian guard.
Then Moses said “Oh no, some heavy
Shit be goin’ down,
I better go and take my ass, and
Run it out of town!”

Perhaps he drank bad cactus juice,
Or his brain turned to mush,
When he saw God talk to him from,
Inside a burning bush.
He said “You have to save the Jews!
There really is no other.
Here, take this guy, bet you didn’t
know I have a brother.”

Moses went to get the Jews,
But Egypt nearly flipped,
So God set out to curse them,
With some heavy fucked up shit.
Frogs and lice, blood and disease,
Locusts and freezing rain,
But it passed over all the Jews,
That’s right, hence the name.

They took off for the desert fast,
Or soon they would be dead,
But before they went, they said
“Hey, let’s bake some bread!”
They saw that was a bad idea,
They had to make it fast, see-”
So that’s why it was kind of flat,
And tasted pretty nasty.

Egyptians were hot on their trail,
Ready for the slaughter,
But the Jews were in good shape,
Till they encountered water.
They knew it was all over and,
The end was near for sho’!
Till Moses said, “I’ll show you all,
A neat trick that I know.”

So he parted the water and,
The Jews they did escape,
But not so much for Egyptians,
Who met their watery fate.
The Jews had a good laugh at this,
But God made them think twice,
And now Passover they recall,
That wasn’t very nice.

But there’s a happy ending here,
To this first Passover,
The Jews soon found the promised land,
I think they call it Boca.

This was originally posted last year and barely got any views. Hopefully it will get more love this year. My apologies to those who have already read it.

imgres

And that kids…is the story of Passover.

 

The Unfortunate Circumstances of A Rock N’ Roll Supermom

Dear reader please prepare this blog might be a bit upsetting
And I’m sure it isn’t quite at all what you’re expecting
But before I say the news, both tragic and exciting
I want to warn you it’s Marissa’s husband that is writing

I tell you of this incident that sadly did occur
(In a poetic verse that seems, suspiciously like hers)
Unfortunately we know very little at this time
But it seems my wife has gone off and killed a mime

One minute he was building an invisible enclosure
Next thing you know it’s black and white and it’s red all over
I’m sure she’ll be embarrassed, that dear woman of refinement
But now she is locked up in solitary confinement

Muttering his tug of war wasn’t very good
And how could he be eating when their wasn’t any food
An obvious result of this unfortunate new caper
They’ve deemed it dangerous that she be near a pen and paper

And until the day that her sentence be determined
I fear that her future as a blogger is uncertain
And if an urge to comment here may be your inclination
Be warned you may look dubious in the investigation

I suggest you clear your history and to do so posthaste
And remember that a mime is a terrible thing to waste.

<a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/fool-me-once/”>Fool Me Once</a>