Beauty Pageant Saboteur

I gave Ms. Texas dark chocolates
Til she broke out in zits
I told them that Ms. Washington
Had fake silicone tits

I hid Ms. Indiana’s weave
Under the floorboards buried
I sold out poor Ms. Idaho
And told them she was married

I gave Ms. Ohio wheat bread
So she broke out in hives
I told them all Ms. Illinois
Was really 25

I stained Ms. Texas’ evening gown
With red and orange spots
I ratted out Ms. Nebraska
Cause she was smoking pot

I hugged and kissed Ms. Florida
Until her make up smudged
I told them that Ms. Oregon
Was sleeping with a judge

I threw out Ms. Connecticut’s
Depilatory
Found pics of poor Ms. Michigan
Doing pornography

Told Georgia that her talent show
Jokes just weren’t funny
Decapitated Ms. Kentucky’s
Ventriloquist dummy

Went over judge’s questions and
I told them it was clear
That world peace and human rights
Just weren’t in this year

And so it came to judging time
I beat out all the rest
As they became disqualified
I won the whole contest

They talked about my victory
And what would be expected
I was to be a role model
Looked up to and respected

Give uplifting speeches and
Give help to charities
So maybe this whole pageant thing
Just isnt for me

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61 thoughts on “Beauty Pageant Saboteur

  1. This is true though! I have a friend who joined a beauty pageant. Many had ‘managers’ which is important. Someone’s got to watch your back! Just for a beauty title!

  2. There is a town in England called ‘Loose’ and in that town is an institute…The Loose Woman’s Institute…God only knows how you would judge their annual events! I enjoyed this piece by the way…your trademark panache shines through.

  3. This was great. My smile muscles are cramping today. I’m wondering if you don’t see it for what it truly has become. The winners should become government officials where they can ply their nebulous craft to great advantage. Think of the fun campaigning would be. After a while, our public world image would improve as our Department of Subterfuge grows by leaps and bounds. πŸ™‚

  4. This one is a riot. I like how she doesn’t even know what she’s going after, it’s only important to do all the rest of them in! A true pageant psycho….well, at least she admitted in the end it wasn’t for her…can imagine it would’ve been a very long reign if she kept the title!

  5. Love it, but can’t use it!. Saying “tits” on my blog…would be a no-no! I sure do look at ’em, occasionally ( ! ) but have to think of all my blog following. But love it…albeit in “secret.”

  6. Oh Yes! Wicked awesome like always. OMG…I seriously love your stuff.
    Admittedly, I was holding my breath as I wondered what on earth you might do to a poor Kansas contestant. C’mon…do tell!
    Thank you for linking me over here. As you said, it’s not about me reading you and you reading me. I thoroughly enjoy your poetry. Words that don’t make my head hurt, but with enough zing to think, “Oh, that just happened! ”
    Happy Saturday! xo

    • Thanks Michelle! Your words mean a lot. I think I actually had Kansas in here at one point but took her out for the sake of the meter. I guess she was spared somehow!! Anyway, if she were anything like you, I’m sure we’d get on like a house on fire and I would simply tell her to run while she could!

  7. This could be made into a Saturday Night Live skit or a really funny home movie, with friends and family members playing parts. I do think the competitions are not fairly run, especially making surface looks more important than they should be. I was chuckling at your sabotaging the competition, Marissa!

    • Yes, it all seems like there are too many superficial factors that make the idea of beauty pageants a contradiction. I’m glad you enjoyed the poem. Yes, I suppose it could work as an SNL skit. Already have some reality shows!!

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