Passover For Dummies

The Pharaoh came from Egypt and said,
“Have you heard the news?
Holy freakin’ crap- We’re being
over run by Jews!
There’s gotta be a better way,
Something must be done!
I know what we’re gonna do!
We’ll kill their first born sons!”

I guess their plan would have worked,
But Jesus, Mary, Joseph!
A badass Jewish son was born,
His mother named him Moses.
She sent him down the river so,
That she could save his life,
Unfortunately he was found
By the Pharaoh’s wife.

I guess he looked Goyish enough,
Or no one looked too hard,
But they got tipped off when he,
Killed an Egyptian guard.
Then Moses said “Oh no, some heavy
Shit be goin’ down,
I better go and take my ass, and
Run it out of town!”

Perhaps he drank bad cactus juice,
Or his brain turned to mush,
When he saw God talk to him from,
Inside a burning bush.
He said “You have to save the Jews!
There really is no other.
Here, take this guy, bet you didn’t
know I have a brother.”

Moses went to get the Jews,
But Egypt nearly flipped,
So God set out to curse them,
With some heavy fucked up shit.
Frogs and lice, blood and disease,
Locusts and freezing rain,
But it passed over all the Jews,
That’s right, hence the name.

They took off for the desert fast,
Or soon they would be dead,
But before they went, they said
“Hey, let’s bake some bread!”
They saw that was a bad idea,
They had to make it fast, see-”
So that’s why it was kind of flat,
And tasted pretty nasty.

Egyptians were hot on their trail,
Ready for the slaughter,
But the Jews were in good shape,
Till they encountered water.
They knew it was all over and,
The end was near for sho’!
Till Moses said, “I’ll show you all,
A neat trick that I know.”

So he parted the water and,
The Jews they did escape,
But not so much for Egyptians,
Who met their watery fate.
The Jews had a good laugh at this,
But God made them think twice,
And now Passover they recall,
That wasn’t very nice.

But there’s a happy ending here,
To this first Passover,
The Jews soon found the promised land,
I think they call it Boca.

This was originally posted last year and barely got any views. Hopefully it will get more love this year. My apologies to those who have already read it.


And that kids…is the story of Passover.



46 thoughts on “Passover For Dummies

  1. Badass Jewish son, eh? *chuckle*
    According to the Bibilcal narrative, it was supposed to be a good thing he was found by the princess – and then voila, able to be nursed by his own mother. He got the best of both worlds in terms of safety and nourishment.

    Cactus juice. Omg.
    Very clever.

    • Oh yes, you know, when I first wrote this last year and the story was fresh in my mind, I remember reading that the princess actually saved his life. Then when I went to republish I tried to fix up the meter and I think I added that in without thinking. Oh well, maybe if I post again next year….Til then….shhhhh! Glad you liked it nonetheless!

    • Yes, well, I wanted to do something new for Passover but I knew I really couldn’t top this one. And, like I mentioned, it barely got any views last year so I figured, why not??

  2. Lots of laughs in here … but LOVED the ending “the Jews soon found the promised land,
    I think they call it Boca”.
    The old testament according to Marissa 😉

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