I appeared on that Bachelor show
I signed with blood not ink
They didn’t pay a wooden cent
But plied me with much drink
I did things so embarrassing
I stripped and scratched and cried
I made up painful tales of when
My salamander died
I pulled out a contestant’s weave
We wrestled to the ground
As private parts were peeking out
From our sequined gowns
Looking back I’m so ashamed
I’d say that wasn’t me
But images they are preserved
Forever on TV
Perhaps I’d say I was possessed
Or maybe I was cursed
Whatever it was that I did
I guess the rest were worse
For when the season finaled
I found that I was chose
Over all the other girls
I got the final rose
Though I should be elated that
I was the bachelor’s pick
I’ve only come to realize
This guy’s a total dick
And it’s not like he looks at me
As if I am a keeper
In fact he makes it very clear
He doesn’t like me either
But still the checks come rolling in
Media pays to see
Us showing up contingent that
I’m in his company
So we will appear happily
And I’ll try not to bitch
As cable channels consider
And mull over our pitch
And when they finally pick it up
All to be in due course
Viewers can tune in to see
The Whole Ugly Divorce.
*Inspired by Rachel Dratch’s The Dratchelor-SML
Glorious Results Of A Misspent Youth 
UGH – reality shows! You did such a good job of spoofing this one 🙂
Thank you…I guess that’s good considering I never even watched it. I did watch Rachel Dratch’s spoof though…hence the poem.
I haven’t seen Rachel Dratch’s show. I do despise The Bachelor. I’d rather watch Spongebob.
Yes, well Rachel Dratch does a good job of spoofing the show. Personally it irked me a bit to even write on the topic but I found it interesting that this type of thing really does happen…from the forced drama on the show to being stuck with the guy for the money.
Hahaha! Funny… and so true. TV cameras and photo ops do NOT a romance make. Plus – you are all competing for one guy? Seriously? I say the rest can have him. If he wants me to compete, he’s not worth the face-time and rips in my sequined gown. 🙂 Nice spoof, Marissa… always worth a read, and the inevitable laugh… 🙂 MH
Exactly…now if there was 20 guys competing for me…ha, ha, ha, not not even! Thanks so much Doreen!
Argh! Reality shows! Don’t understand them. All for the sake of the show! Great spoof!
Yes, you know, I was reluctant to write this because I just hate the shows so much anyway…but it’s kind of interesting, this type of thing actually does happen all the time. Anyway…here it is!!
It always leave me in awe on how the stars do it! That’s the interesting part. How could they live with it?
Funny!
Thank you!
PERFECT! How you described “reality” as it really is with these reality shows. What people will NOT do is totally disgusting. GREAT job again, Marissa, and once again, I totally enjoyed your words. (((HUGS))) Amy
Isn’t it though? I was reluctant to even write on the tired subject of reality shows but after reading the lengths some of these people go to, to have a maintain a ‘career’ as a reality TV star…it’s just ridiculous!
Let’s face it. Most people are ridiculous who are so determined to win or to be famous, they would do just about anything! What a shame! Love, Amy
Love it!
Thank you!
As they use to say “Keeping it real”, How quaint
Yes, funny about reality shows…there’s just not much real about them!
It’s amazing how many people will completely humiliate themselves just to be on tv. Remember The Newly Wed Game. It was hilarious. And the couples did it for a refrigerator of all things.
I do remember that show and somehow it seems so much more intelligent than something like The Bachelor…in retrospect at least!
These girls set the cause of women’s lib back about a billion years with their competing for some loser guy. UGH! I don’t even care if I sound like an old curmudgeon. Give me Krystal Carrington and Alexis in a catfight any day! At least that was fiction. Wait! Sorry, reality TV is too.
That’s true… about the reality show being fiction! As for the woman’s lib, OMG I’m embarrassed to say I didn’t even realize that. But maybe good for me because I just think of it as PEOPLE embarrassing themselves?? LOL
You make a valid point, Marissa. But I, as a woman of a certain age, just cringe watching women fighting over a man and using sex as their tool. Makes me NUTS. OK, going back into my cave again. LOL!
Oh no, you’re absolutely right!! Enjoy your cave…is there room in there for me?
You captured, it seems, perfectly why I don’t watch these shows. 🙂 Well done!!!
And actually, Colleen, neither do I! I just happened to come along this Rachel Dratch spoof on it, and I started looking into all the silly things these people do. That, to me, was way more fascinating than the show…although maybe that’s just as bad??
Human nature stuff. This is the stuff families used to cringe about over coffee and whisper about over phone lines and be worried about other people in the neighborhood or church would find out. NOW they make money off of it!!!!
you narrated it all rather accurately, and i am wondering were you ever a manager of such show.. 😀
Oh goodness no! I came across these Rachel Dratch spoofs on the internet and thought it might make a fun blog. I started doing some research and found out the lengths these people go to for what really amounts to 15 minutes of fame and there was my angle. Managed them? Never even watched them!! Ha, ha!
you would have surprised me if you had said yes :)) these shows are one reason i dont have television at my place… i am just laughing reading your reply, have a good day (night! ) 🙂
😆 As usual you are so right on with this. YUK, is there anything worse than reality shows? Only watched one in my life and that was way more than I wanted. Hope you’re having a beautiful week, Marissa.
Just one? Wow, you are so fortunate because they become addictive for some, no matter how dumb the watcher admits to the show being. The Bachelor is certainly one I have no desire to watch!
Obviously, they need one where Mr. Darcy is the bachelor–or even Sherlock Holmes, LOL
That would definitely add some intelligence to it…maybe…
or just good manners!
What would we do for fame? Hell not that.
I’m with you on that one!
they say most tragedy is funny and you’ve just proved it with this post… good job 🙂
You’re a master of great endings!
Thank you Benjamin!
SOME HOW, this seems more real than the program’s hype. SO…you like men not immune to their natures…despite being impotent? 😀
Well, you know, after reading a bit about the show, I became more interested in what actual happens to these people during and after the show, hence the more real reality. As for the rest…LOL
ACTUALLY….I’ve been writing poetry about various aspects of aging for years, without really announcing it….writing about men (naturally) more than women. Although I imagine some women who were abused by men might actually wish disappearing manhood upon their tormentors! Not saying anyone is….just, the thought ran through my mind while writing it. 🙂
Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
DID THIS LATEST ONE EVER CHOOSE A WOMAN ? I LOSE TRACK SO EASILY, HAVING MORE INTERESTING THINGS TO DO WITH MY TIME !!!! 😀
Great eye, Marissa, for the match made by Chris Harrison. 🙂
You’re better than me! I couldn’t keep track of the names… but the stories were fascinating!
Chris Harrison is the dude who is friend to all the Bachelors and Bachelorettes on ABC … Yeah, my dear wife Karen and I watch it and enjoy the spectacle, Marissa.
Ah, I see.
LOL! Another awesome one! Love it! ❤
Thank Rachel!
Hehe Marissa, you are pointing out well here that often the Bachelor TV matchups don’t have fairy tale endings!
Not my idea of a fairy tale ending anyway!
I hear you! And it’s all in front of the cameras too. Eeek!
Very funny! I’ve never seen the show, I can’t stand those reality TV shows. They treat people like crap 🙂
Oh yes, totally agree. I’ve actually never seen it either. This was inspired by spoof I saw on it. Good for both of us, I’d say!