A Reality Star’s Circle of Life

I appeared on that Bachelor show
I signed with blood not ink
They didn’t pay a wooden cent
But plied me with much drink

I did things so embarrassing
I stripped and scratched and cried
I made up painful tales of when
My salamander died

I pulled out a contestant’s weave
We wrestled to the ground
As private parts were peeking out
From our sequined gowns

Looking back I’m so ashamed
I’d say that wasn’t me
But images they are preserved
Forever on TV

Perhaps I’d say I was possessed
Or maybe I was cursed
Whatever it was that I did
I guess the rest were worse

For when the season finaled
I found that I was chose
Over all the other girls
I got the final rose

Though I should be elated that
I was the bachelor’s pick
I’ve only come to realize
This guy’s a total dick

And it’s not like he looks at me
As if I am a keeper
In fact he makes it very clear
He doesn’t like me either

But still the checks come rolling in
Media pays to see
Us showing up contingent that
I’m in his company

So we will appear happily
And I’ll try not to bitch
As cable channels consider
And mull over our pitch

And when they finally pick it up
All to be in due course
Viewers can tune in to see
The Whole Ugly Divorce.

*Inspired by Rachel Dratch’s The Dratchelor-SML


55 thoughts on “A Reality Star’s Circle of Life

    • Yes, well Rachel Dratch does a good job of spoofing the show. Personally it irked me a bit to even write on the topic but I found it interesting that this type of thing really does happen…from the forced drama on the show to being stuck with the guy for the money.

  1. Hahaha! Funny… and so true. TV cameras and photo ops do NOT a romance make. Plus – you are all competing for one guy? Seriously? I say the rest can have him. If he wants me to compete, he’s not worth the face-time and rips in my sequined gown. πŸ™‚ Nice spoof, Marissa… always worth a read, and the inevitable laugh… πŸ™‚ MH

    • Yes, you know, I was reluctant to write this because I just hate the shows so much anyway…but it’s kind of interesting, this type of thing actually does happen all the time. Anyway…here it is!!

  2. PERFECT! How you described “reality” as it really is with these reality shows. What people will NOT do is totally disgusting. GREAT job again, Marissa, and once again, I totally enjoyed your words. (((HUGS))) Amy

    • Isn’t it though? I was reluctant to even write on the tired subject of reality shows but after reading the lengths some of these people go to, to have a maintain a ‘career’ as a reality TV star…it’s just ridiculous!

      • Let’s face it. Most people are ridiculous who are so determined to win or to be famous, they would do just about anything! What a shame! Love, Amy

  3. It’s amazing how many people will completely humiliate themselves just to be on tv. Remember The Newly Wed Game. It was hilarious. And the couples did it for a refrigerator of all things.

  4. These girls set the cause of women’s lib back about a billion years with their competing for some loser guy. UGH! I don’t even care if I sound like an old curmudgeon. Give me Krystal Carrington and Alexis in a catfight any day! At least that was fiction. Wait! Sorry, reality TV is too.

    • And actually, Colleen, neither do I! I just happened to come along this Rachel Dratch spoof on it, and I started looking into all the silly things these people do. That, to me, was way more fascinating than the show…although maybe that’s just as bad??

      • Human nature stuff. This is the stuff families used to cringe about over coffee and whisper about over phone lines and be worried about other people in the neighborhood or church would find out. NOW they make money off of it!!!! :/

    • Oh goodness no! I came across these Rachel Dratch spoofs on the internet and thought it might make a fun blog. I started doing some research and found out the lengths these people go to for what really amounts to 15 minutes of fame and there was my angle. Managed them? Never even watched them!! Ha, ha!

      • you would have surprised me if you had said yes :)) these shows are one reason i dont have television at my place… i am just laughing reading your reply, have a good day (night! ) πŸ™‚

    • Just one? Wow, you are so fortunate because they become addictive for some, no matter how dumb the watcher admits to the show being. The Bachelor is certainly one I have no desire to watch!

    • Well, you know, after reading a bit about the show, I became more interested in what actual happens to these people during and after the show, hence the more real reality. As for the rest…LOL

      • ACTUALLY….I’ve been writing poetry about various aspects of aging for years, without really announcing it….writing about men (naturally) more than women. Although I imagine some women who were abused by men might actually wish disappearing manhood upon their tormentors! Not saying anyone is….just, the thought ran through my mind while writing it. πŸ™‚

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