It Never Snows In Southern California

Can you imagine if it snowed
Here in Southern Cali
Sources say impossible
Citizens would rally

Surfers pack their surfboards up
Bikini babes concur
Beach bums pack their towels as
They say, “That’s gnarly brah!”

We’d all run to the internet
To help us with the struggle
Of looking up exactly how
And where to buy a shovel

And us here in our West Coast state
We would make history
Reporting the most snow blower
Related injuries

The Beverly Hills residents
Would bitterly complain
Instead of rock salt on their drives
They would throw cocaine

They’d roll up their convertibles
And try to stay the course
By wondering if they would need
Snow tires for the Porsche

And those who dared to venture out
Probably would plan
On booking out the whole salon
Just to maintain their tan

The 405 would just shut down
The internet would clog
From all the people ordering
Ski jackets for their dogs

Life coaches would be called upon
And trauma clearly felt
Until the sun comes out and then
The whole two inches melt

*Inspired by the inclement weather on the East Coast – SML

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90 thoughts on “It Never Snows In Southern California

  1. Now that’s original….and funny. Ski jackets for their dogs, indeed. But I bet you’re right…..the whole place would be pandemonium and no one would have a clue how to handle it! One of my son’s greatest joys is to tell us he’s out there in shorts while we’re here learning how to drive on ice! (And yes, our dog does have a winter coat…perhaps we’re in the wrong state?)

    • Oh yes, a break down for sure, and you get to hear about our weather situation first hand! So the thing with the dogs…I know when I was younger most didn’t dress their dogs and I always assumed dogs would stay warm anyway with all their fur. Well, either way, they certainly shouldn’t need them here in L.A. I just think people want to make a fashion statement…especially when they dress them in tuxedos and ballerina outfits!!

      • Hah! You’re probably exactly right. My mother got our little dog a coat for Christmas this year as a joke, I think. However, my son put it on the dog and took him for a walk. When they came back he hung the dog’s new coat in the closet on a hanger right beside his own coat. So next time son went to get his own coat, dog was right there waiting for his! Kind of funny, but there you go….our dog has a coat. Weird but true. Can definitely see that a tutu or tuxedo might not be quite the thing though….maybe on Halloween!

  2. Hahaha! I cannot stop laughing!!!! This is funny! You captured it especially the snow tires part!!! I know someone who contemplated that! Bwahahaha! I once made a scrapbook on how ‘Southern Californians Tackle Snow’ when we used to live in the Midwest! We were totally unprepared and ‘ignorant’ on how we’d get out of the house! Needless to say, I called the office that day and said I won’t be coming in. Next two days coming into work, everyone made fun of me on how I got stuck with 12-inch snow! Apparently, that’s nothing to them!!!

    • Well, you know, I’m originally from N.Y. but I can’t really remember how many inches would warrant a state of emergency or snow day. I can tell you this though…I’m sure if I went back there and had to reorient myself to winter snow, it would definitely be a learning curve!!

  3. Oh Marissa!
    Your timing couldn’t have been better. I just finished a 2.5 hour, white knuckle drive through blowing snow and ice.
    I was wishing on a Hollywood star that I didn’t live in the Midwest.
    Love my daily dose of a rock and roll super mom!!

  4. LOVE it!!! So, so true! We know what a little rain does here, so yeah, awesome predictions of what actual snow would do!

    • Exactly Wanda! I was just thinking about how helpless we become after a little rain and wonder how we would deal with the kind of weather the East Coast is dealing with right now!

  5. Okay this just became my new fave of yours!!! First because the subject matter (I would LOVE living here if our weather would change) and second for the brilliant humor! I submit this additional line.

    Surf shops in Malibu will shut down as people began to hoard,
    Their favorite way to sled down their driveway…a boogie board.

  6. A huge smile on my face reading this one. I’m not sure which part is my favourite but throwing cocaine on the driveway instead of salt certainly tickled me.

    The only thing missing in this satire is CNN 24 hour live coverage of the disaster and getting commentary from victims of the horror on the street πŸ™‚

  7. Reminds me of when it snowed in Phoenix, AZ once. Everyone looked up wonderful what the white stuff was! πŸ˜€ Panic stations… except for those that frequented Flagstaff of course. πŸ˜€

  8. San Diego, more or less, shuts down when it rains a little and water runs down the freeways because they aren’t built for it. This was fantastic and, I think, frighteningly accurate.
    Thank you for the laugh. :p

    • Los Angeles may not be that bad but close to it. I definitely notice an overflow of water on the streets because I don’t think there are any sewer systems (unlike NY that has grates on every street corner).
      Glad you enjoyed!

  9. Snow tires for the Porsche,that’s great,but how about pontoons for the rainy season,or fire retardants for the car for the fires, I could go on ,I do know a thing or two about California

  10. I lived in SoCal most of my life so I get this completely. On a different level, when I later lived in Nevada and we had what I considered a lot of snow our friends (newly moved from Alaska) laughed and called it “baby snow”. Perspective is everything, isn’t it?

  11. Oh Marissa….the woes of the weather forecast. They predict 8 to 10 inches of snow. We get 1/10th inches of snow. LITERALLY. They predicted freezing rain for so long and so forcefully for yesterday that schools shut down the day before for yesterday. Did it materialize? no. We are sitting here AGAIN waiting on “seven to ten inches”. Disappointment. I am sure. And yes, I am talking from the weather forecasters. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. But seriously, you would think Ohioan’s would get their act together and stop panicking as if they were living in California!

    • That’s funny! I guess after all that snow they just want to be super safe. You would think by now you were all metamorphosing into some kind of super heroes who no longer feel the snow at all. Ski masks and long johns would be a good start!

  12. I’m glad that own misery inspired you–at least something good has come from the cold and the snow and now this miserable, horrible ice. And tell the Chatter Master, we got in Westsylvania what Ohio was spared. Again. I’ve spent more on salt this winter than I’ll spend all year on whiskey, and that’s just wrong.

  13. 73 degrees here today and it’s supposed to snow tomorrow. What the what? BTW, my dog has a parka, a sweater, a yellow rain slicker and a pink life jacket. You don’t have to live in CA to be crazy!

  14. We’ve now got 1002 followers. A statistic that you and your ilk can only dream about. How I love having more followers than you and belittling you constantly due to this irrefutable fact. Love Mike Steeden.

  15. PS. Shirley says she’s going to rob your house and sell all your property to the highest bidder. She also says that she doesn’t like what you’re wearing and thinks you look pretty damn cheap. Clivey, on the other hand, thinks you look fine and should take no notice of the haters. Love, Mike Steeden & Shirl xxxxxxx

  16. Christ! What a scumbag Mike Steeden turned out to be. I of course, knew of his vicious tongue and penchant for throwing his weight around. He once fire-bombed my wife for not replying to him quickly enough on Facebook. I’d un-follow him if I were you. The man’s deranged and should be under restraint in a mental home. In actual fact he has been on occasion.
    All the very best for the future
    Clivey.

    • Oh my goodness! That Mike Steeden!! Something should really be done about him. In the meantime, I feel so cheap and belittled, I will find it difficult to crawl out of my shell to take action. When I do though, Clivey, rest assured we will rise to against the evil Steedenski together!!

      • Don’t tangle with him Marissa. This is a very dangerous and ruthless individual indeed. I have it on very good authority that you’re not the first of the WordPress family he’s attacked this day. My advice is to lie low and wait for him to be taken away by the relevant authorities.

      • Yes, Inchy tells me he is moving abodes but I think this is just a clever ruse to divert our attentions for when he is ready to attack. Rest assured I will be packing up and going to Mexico until I know i will be safe from this monster!

  17. Well Hell’s teeth what is going on! First on Facebook (the thread I cannot find but have been told about) and now this! And all I did was accidentally tread on an ant, plus of course the incident with the blowfly just this very day whereby I’ve trapped it in the room Shirley has claim as her dressing room – even though it’s a good hike from the bedroom. I am waffling on in a state of confusion such is my angst!

    • Well, imagine how traumatized I am, and continue to be! First I thought here was my dear friend suddenly turning on me in what could be a potentially violent situation (the dear friend is you Mike, by the way) and now I think these Soz Satire guys are the evil ones. I fear for my life!!

  18. You describe that perfectly!!
    I see the opposite here. People go out in shorts and sandals the first sunny day in March. They even put sun screen and sun glasses. Next day they are all sick… Of course, it was only 55 degrees!! πŸ™‚

    • Yes, I see a lot of that too. And the other way around as well, a lot of people wearing jackets in the heat. I guess people just look out their window and judge the temperature without actually bothering to step outside.

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