Inventory

A toaster, an electric knife,
Boots that you abhor,
A whole season’s DVDs,
Of ‘The Jersey Shore’.

Self help books on etiquette, or,
Raising self esteem,
A doorknob, a spatula,
Anti wrinkle cream.

A dirty sweater with a stain,
A calorie chart,
A stale and moldy fruitcake,
A gift card for Kmart.

An ugly tie with fish on it,
A picture that won’t hang,
A collection of each song,
Bruce Willis ever sang.

A day for dumpster diving,
Prepare to go deep,
Among gift wrap and turkey legs,
To dig up those receipts.

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48 thoughts on “Inventory

  1. We were just talking about that at work! Finding those damned receipts is the bane of the holidays. But, what’s worse is finding them and ending up in the returns line at the store.

  2. Oh my! That’s quite the list of gifts! I do hope there was something salvageable under your tree this year! πŸ™‚ (Perfect verse again, of course!)

  3. Never had a doorknob gift! That’s actually a good one since my hubby keep breaking ours! Also a spatula… we keep looking for a mini spatula for our mini frying pan! You know those that are good for frying only one egg? Lol

    • You know when I was trying to write the poem I was googling ‘worst Christmas gifts’ for inspiration and those items were both on the list. Maybe you should contact those people for a trade!

      • Although come to think of it, doorknobs are a wee bit personal. It may actually be a romantic gift for symbolic purposes. Or maybe that’s just me! πŸ˜‰

  4. What’s the worst gift you’ve ever actually received? I once got a red sweater with a velvet black panther on it. It’s tail wrapped around the back and curled up on to the arm. Ohh…and it had bejeweled eyes. Meow!

    • I can’t think of any. Usually my gifts come from people who know me too well to give me bad gifts. My sister, on the other hand, works as a teacher so she is always getting bad gifts. Once she got a towel. That sweater though, oh goodness….yikes!!

  5. Oh, this is too funny. This right here is why we just don’t do Christmas anymore, in the traditional sense. Such a waste of presents with so much garbage. I can’t tell you how many times I dumped my “presents” in the garbage. LOL Great poem again, Marissa!!! Love, Amy

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