The Hypochondriac’s Aisle

Arthur likes to go out late at night,
And hang out for a while,
In the local CVS,
At the hypochondriac’s aisle.

Usually it’s just a bout of gas,
Yet I don’t know why,
He decides that his time is up,
And he’s about to die.

Then he goes up to the pharmacist,
To the consultation counter,
And to no end tries to pick their brain,
For the better part of an hour.

Then Googles up on Web MD,
He’s since figured it kind of a waste,
But never the less his fingers obsessed,
He must see a doctor post haste!

And then he browses the aisles,
Drooling with delight and glee,
And he sees the different maladies,
Thinking, “What could it possibly be?”

He comes back to his apartment,
His arms filled up to the brim,
With no doubt he’s sure he’s found the cure,
For what might be ailing him.

And it seems that he’s diagnosed himself,
Based on his medicinal collection,
With acid reflux, acne, asthma,
A vaginal infection.

Sinusitis conjunctivitis,
Arthritis, hemorrhoids, bug bites,
An STD, erectile dysfunction,
Ringworm, rabies and lice.

And so salves are applied, doses taken,
And Arthur calms down a bit,
And sleep is a pleasure, he’s never felt better,
Till he wakes up feeling like shit.


35 thoughts on “The Hypochondriac’s Aisle

  1. I would like to know how he’s going to deal with his vaginal infection. This one reminds me of my sister who has not seen a disease or illness she does not have. Once I told her that one of these days my brothers and sister and I would die. After we died, she would die. When we welcomed her into heaven, she would say to us, “See, I told you I was sick.”

  2. ahahahahahha…..oooooooooooooooooooh… “wake-up feeling like shit” …..eeeehheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhheeeeeeeeeee

  3. I rather like this – clever and complete! Eleven years ago when ill yet not yet diagnosed I Googled my symptoms; came up with the definitive answer; called the wife to come and see; she read the page and noted that the thing I had found could only afflict women! I had missed that bit – a little later I was told by the quack I was diabetic!

  4. Loved this so much, Marissa!! In my hypochondriac post, I reminded people that Web MD has the word Web in it, like a Duck’s webbed feet. And what do ducks say? Right! Stay away.

    Anyhow, I think I’m over my hypochondria because lately I feel great. But then again, maybe ‘feeling great’ is a symptom of something more serious? Hmmmm. . .

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