Jimmy and The Twins

Jimmy wore a big smile when he left that night
Sure the fun was about to begin
Not only did he have a girl on each arm
Imagine his luck-they were twins!

But when he got into his humble abode
He felt his heart begin sinking
When he realized he knew not what to do with the two
His smile wasn’t all that was shrinking.

He thought he’d lay back while the two girls attacked
But since they weren’t into each other
He awkwardly sat in between the two girls
Wishing that he had a brother.

He decided to give the girls back rubs
A task that would prove so demanding
He found himself almost grateful to find
The evening not quite what he’d been planning.

It was at this point that Jimmy gave up
And let us agree not to speak
Of a night spent playing Monopoly
Paired with a peck on the cheek.

But Jimmy’s not one to be down on his luck
He returned to that same bar to spin
Sordid tales of that wild night
He totally banged the twins.

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Napowrimo Entry #3

 

The Non Conformist Conformist

Jenny had a tattoo and I thought it was cool,
So I went out and I got one too.
Johnny got a lip ring I thought it looked great,
So I got a lip ring just like my mate.
Stacy went and dyed her hair green.
I dyed my hair purple so now we’re a team.

We all get together and wear black and brood,
And talk about how we’re all misunderstood,
And if you don’t like our music well that’s just tough,
Cause there’s no one quite as bad ass as us.

But I look around to see something quite awful,
That group over there, they have tattoos also!
And pierced lips, looking hip and I fume all the while,
At all of these amateurs trying to cop our style!
I swear to myself, “These punks will learn their lesson!”
And fall into my favorite state, a deep, dark depression.

I come home and my mother is there
She says, “I did something, you’ll never guess what dear!”
I say, “Okay, mom, what did you do?”
She lifts her sleeve to reveal a brand new tattoo.

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image credit: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Free_3D_Business_Men_Marching_Concept.jpg

The XY Factor

It is true I can’t deny,
I look at X and I see Y,
I soon see the truth but still I try,
To make X become Y,
I will realize by and by,
That X is in fact nothing like Y,
Maybe one day I’ll find a guy,
And I will turn him into Y,
But love is one thing then there’s sex,
Which I’ll settle for with X.

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So I just found out that NaPoWriMo is doing a 30 Poems in 30 Days…er…thing. It’s funny because I have a lot of poems written which are just sitting there doing nothing but now that this event has come along, I figure, now is the time.

So actually, I think this whole thing was supposed to have started at the beginning of April but it looks like they’re still taking participants so I figure what the hell. That being said, welcome to what will probably amount to a week of whatever insanity pops out of my head. Hope you enjoy it!

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_writing_challenge/poetry/

Why Hannah Can’t Spel

Some children might be good at math,
And think it not so telling,
When they make a mistake,
Like a minor misspelling.

But I thought it rather sad,
And by no means funny,
When on my neighbor’s door hung her daughter’s sign,
Saying, “Welcome Ester Bunny.”

Spelling’s not always an easy task,
So by no means should we berate her,
I think the problem begins,
When we congratulate her.

If you celebrate her mistakes,
Your efforts will be foiled,
When you find yourself a victim of,
A child that is spoiled.

And if you are too careful ‘bout,
What will or won’t upset her,
Soon a grown woman will be,
Wishing all a Happy Ester.

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https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_writing_challenge/poetry/

Passover For Dummies

The Pharaoh came from Egypt and said,
“Have you heard the news?
Holy freakin’ crap- We’re being
over run by Jews!
There’s gotta be a better way,
Something must be done!
I know what were gonna do!
We’ll kill their first born sons!”

I guess their plan would have worked,
But Jesus, Mary, Joseph!
A badass Jewish son was born,
His mother named him Moses.
She sent him down the river so,
That she could save his life,
Unfortunately he was found
By the Pharaoh’s wife.

I guess he looked Goyish enough,
Or no one looked to hard,
They got tipped off when he killed,
An Egyptian guard.
Then Moses said “Oh no, Some heavy
Shit be goin’ down,
I better go and take my ass, and
Run it out of town!”

Maybe he drank bad cactus juice,
Or his brain turned to mush,
When he saw God talk to him from,
Inside a burning bush.
He said “You have to save the Jews!
There really is no other.
Here take this guy, bet you didn’t
know I have a brother.”

Moses went to get the Jews,
But Egypt nearly flipped,
So God set out to curse them,
With some heavy fucked up shit.
Frogs and lice, blood and disease,
Locusts and freezing rain,
But it passed over all  the Jews,
That’s right, hence the name.

 They took off for the desert fast,
Or soon they would be dead,
But before they went, they said
“Hey, let’s bake some bread!”
They saw that was a bad idea,
They had to make it fast, see-”
So that’s why it was kind of flat,
And tasted pretty nasty.

Egyptians were hot on their trail,
Ready for the slaughter,
But the Jews were in good shape,
Till they encountered water.
They knew it was all over and,
The end was near for sho’!
Till Moses said, “I’ll show you all,
A neat trick that I know.”

So he parted the water and,
The Jews they did escape,
But not so much for Egyptians,
They met their watery fate.
The Jews had a good laugh at this,
But God made them think twice,
And now Passover they recall,
That  wasn’t very nice.

But there’s a happy ending here,
To this first Passover,
The Jews soon found the promised land,
I think they call it Boca.

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And that kids…is the story of Passover.

image credit: houseofgeekery.com

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_writing_challenge/poetry/

Smoke And Mirrors

Those who follow my blog might see,
My recent switch to poetry,
This blog will serve as reference,
To justify this preference.

I can write a poem that will pour,
With imagery and metaphor,
And if you’re smart you’ll get the gleaning,
I don’t even know the meaning.

But it’s my hope these works get known,
And make it into sacred tomes,
Where critics will be none the wiser,
As they pull it apart to decipher,

What secrets these words may keep,
Since they are in fact so deep,
Analyzed over and over again,
By the smartest of women, the greatest of men,
Professors and students of English lit,
Who will never know it’s all bullshit.

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image credit:  flickr.com

I Wore Red To Target

I wore red to Target,
Not the best idea,
I wore red to Target,
And everybody near,
Said, “Do you work here?”
Said, “Can you help me, miss?”
And dear readers don’t you know
I couldn’t take much more of this!

If one more customer asks me for help
I think I’ll flip my lid!
And did that one customer come by?
Well you know she did!
I told her there were discounts when there weren’t,
I gave her wrong directions,
I told her there were frying pans,
In the electronics section!

Then I felt so much better,
And everything was fine,
Until I discovered,
I was in back of her on line.

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Review of Phil Taylor’s ‘White Picket Prisons’

All hail the emergence of middle aged anti-heroes Chuck, Cliff, Coop and Goober! Phil Taylor does it again (or did it before) with a masterful thriller which incorporates edge of your seat action and suspense with Phil’s undeniable comedic flair as we find this unlikely group of childhood friends, now considerably older, falling ass backwards in to some m*****f***ing CSI type s***!

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So for those of you who are lost already, let’s start at the beginning. Meet Phil Taylor, indie author, comedy blogger, and all around awesome guy. A few months ago, I jumped at the chance to review his latest release “The Sneaker Tree”. I had so much fun reading and reviewing that book that I could not resist the opportunity to review his previous release “White Picket Prisons”.

“White Picket Prisons” is a white knuckle ride that can hold it’s own next to any well known suspense novel of our time. It is an edge of your seat thriller, which also delivers a sense of nostalgia and comedy by the boat load, while capturing a metaphorical picture of what could well lurk behind the white picket fences of suburban life.

Although the two book’s plots are completely independent of one another, “The Sneaker Tree” could well serve as a prequel to it’s slightly sexier predecessor. And while “The Sneaker Tree” might appeal to a wider range of audience including young adult, “White Picket Prisons” includes more of what adults are looking for when they read a thriller, like sex, blood and rock n’ roll. Kudos to Phil for proving his versatility as an author.

And while I’m at it, let me give Phil a hats off for  bringing me back to my childhood by peppering the text with rock songs lyrics of the 80s. But ‘Jesus H. Christ and The Four Hornsmen of the Apocalypse’? Wow Phil, you do dig deep!

A while back Phil wrote a blog called ‘Who Is Phil Taylor and Why Should You Read His Books?. If this review has not answered those questions, you might want to follow this link and read that blog. But for a more succinct answer to these philosophical questions of the the ages: ‘a very talented comedy and suspense writer’ and ‘because he’s AWESOME!!’

Buy Phil’s books here:

http://www.amazon.com/Phil-Taylor/e/B00AC8PM8A/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1396554013&sr=8-1

Read Phil’s blog here:

http://thephilfactor.com/