The Respectable Woman’s Guide to New Year’s Resolutions

To stop writing Satanic messages on the blackboard in the frozen yogurt place
To learn how to use the soda machine at Wendy’s
To stop picking my nose in the car and leaving it under the driver’s seat
To stop tailgating little old ladies with my cart in the supermarket
To memorize all the words to Motorhead’s new album and sing them loudly in the school yard when I am picking up my kids
To stop reading blogs when I’m supposed to working
To stop cyber stalking my old boyfriends
To stop wearing torn underwear
To stop asking for samples at See’s Candies when I really don’t intend to buy anything
To sleep with Jared Leto
and of course…
To recycle

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