A Holiday Shopper’s Guide to The Universe

For the one or two of you who have been following my blog, you’ve probably ascertained some of my personality traits. For instance, you probably know that I love rock music… as long as it was written before 1985, and that I love children…. as long as they’re not somebody else’s. Well here’s another little fun fact. In taking advantage of my God given right as a female, I also love shopping.

Now before you conjure disappointing visions of me, my arms loaded up with shopping bags, piles of shoe boxes obscuring my vision as I blindly grope for the mall exit, get your mind out of the gutter. Rather I am the most vicious, merciless, and yet economical shopper of all… the bargain shopper. Ruthlessly, I frequent thrift shops, outlet stores, and bargain bins seeking the most designer-ish thing, in the smallest size, at the lowest price. Normally, I would take this opportunity to expand on my shopping experiences and philosophies, but I can’t think of anything that hasn’t already been said by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.

Unfortunately, for me, I now face the most cruel time of year, the holidays. Most of the items that I actually want are unavailable, and the few that are, are priced at astronomical levels with no sign of seeing a drop until January. Also, the stores are crowded. That’s right, weekend warrior types emerge from every bridge, tunnel and ghetto, descending, not just on shopping malls, but on my hole-in the-wall best kept secrets.

It is times like these when I call upon all hardcore shoppers…”Know Thy Enemy!!” In this trying time, there are a few people out to make your shopping experience a potential disaster. But not if you’re prepared to look out for these shopping pariahs and know what to do when you are forced to deal with them.

The Pusher

So you are dealing with a crowded rack of clothing, but you have just muscled out a spot for yourself where you can maneuver your clothing a couple of inches across the rack for, if not optimal viewing pleasure, well at least it’s doable. Then SHE comes along. At the other side of the rack, she also carves out a niche for herself, minimizing your window into non existence.
At this point, you are well within your rights to push back, while even including a scowl or an eye roll. She is the one being inconsiderate and I highly doubt she will resort to a cat fight, tumbling through the narrow racks of retail. After all, you break it, you buy it.

The Overloader

You’re making your way through the racks, perhaps you’ve picked up 2 or 3 garments which may or may not suit your fancy, a very unsatisfying and somewhat disappointing shopping excursion, thus far. Then SHE comes along, her arms laden with more items then one would think humanly possible. Tornado-like, she careens through the aisles leaving strewn clothing, broken hangers and innocent bystanders fallen in her wake. And to make matters worse, she has just dumped her entire pile on the floor to try on a pair of shoes.
It is clear this woman has left all reason and sensibility at the door if she ever had any at all. There is only one course of action to take…RUN AND HIDE FOR GOODNESS SAKE!! There is no reasoning with this woman! Steer clear and be lucky to escape with your life. A closet of unworn clothing, possible injury, and bankruptcy will be her own downfall.

The Giver

You’re innocently minding your own business, enjoying your shopping experience when SHE comes along. Usually an older woman, she holds out the most hideous garment you have ever laid your eyes on, and insists that it is made for you and that you must try it on.
However embarrassing it may be, you have no choice but to carry this garment through the store with you, at least until you reach the dressing room. Believe it or not, if you make it this far, and then run into the woman and are caught sans garment, she probably will not question you, but if she does, an ill fit is always a good excuse and one that can’t be argued with, But if you really want to amuse yourself and cut things off from the get go, you can just tell her that you have one just like it at home.

Good luck, happy holidays, and merry shopping!


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